My New Pickup Line

2009 August 6
by mockers
pickupMan am I sick of the pickup lines that dudes use nowadays.  Checking tags to see if girls were made in heaven, asking about the various levels of fatigue that might or might not exist within one’s legs, etc… It’s all tired old bullshit.  So I went home and wrote this one:
Once upon a time there was a peaceful village who kept to themselves.  The villagers had a god that they worshipped and feared. They farmed and hunted. They loved their children.  The villagers built houses and infrastructure.  They even took turns acting as the nighttime guard. 
The guard stayed awake overnight and watched out for invaders from the neighboring village.  When the guard saw the invaders approaching with their spears and knives, the guard ran to the large drum in the center of the village.  He grabbed the mallet that hung next to it and beat the drum as loud as he could.  When they heard the alarm sound, the pacifist villagers would barracade the door of their stone huts and wait it out until the invaders gave up and left. 
Of course, the reward for the guard’s brave effort was often a grisly death.  The thankful villagers maintained a shrine to these fallen heroes and would often share the tale of the brave guards for generations.  The most famous of all the guards was the one that lived.  When the invaders entered the village, they saw the guard beating the drum harder and faster than anyone they had ever seen before.  The leader pushed a blade into the guard’s neck.  Aware of his inevitable demise, the guard fell to his knees and dropped his head. The leader dropped his blade.  He could not kill a man capable of playing the instrument with such fury.  The guard was allowed to live and the invaders moved on to the next village.  The guard was a god among men for years…until the next time the town was invaded while he was on duty.  This time the leader murdered him most brutally as he was sure that his drumming talents could only come from chronic masturbation – which was among the most heinous of crimes in the region.
Baby, I want to bang you like that drum.  I want to bang you as hard and as fast as I can until I either die or am declared a hero throughout this village.  So…do you want to come back to my place right now?
So what do you think?  Too strong?  Any chance such a thing would work on you?  What’s your number?
4 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 August 6

    Just wait a few weeks and visit a High School and listen, you’ll probably hear, “Yo baby, make me da billage hero”.

    Now those are some lady pleasers in that picture!
    I believe the term “Gaytards” fits quite well.

  2. 2009 August 6


    That would totally work if you were trying to pick me up.

    Please call me at 1-800-yea-rght.

  3. 2009 August 7

    Nope, that won’t work. Good story though and I am not giving out any of my secrets! What works for me may never work for you.

  4. 2009 August 7
    tilly permalink

    sure beats the worst pick up line i ever got “so do ya wanna get a cheeseburger before or after we fuck?”

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