My Shitcan-Triggers at Twitter

A lot of people think Twitter itself is mockable, and that might be true, but I often find myself enjoying it.  The short updates are a quick-read and, depending on who you’re following, can also be interesting and a lot of fun.

However, I’ve made at least one significant tactical error…

Since I opened my account, I’ve just automatically followed anyone who followed me.  I thought it was the decent thing to do, and for a long time that wasn’t a problem.  But now people are learning (they believe) how to make money through Twitter, and everything’s going straight down the ol’ poop-basin.

These so-called entrepreneurs are trying to inflate their number of followers in a short period of time, so they can bombard everyone on their list with spam.  In fact, it’s become such a common practice several sleazy websites have sprung up, consisting of nothing but a list of people who will “auto-follow” you on Twitter.  And I appear on those lists.

I use TweetDeck, a platform that allows you to filter and group your followers, and it helps weed out some of the crapola.  But my direct message folder at this point is almost completely useless.  It fills, daily, with straight-up spamulation and come-ons by the “junkie trash with intense vaginal razor-burn writhing on a bed” industry.

So, I’m making some changes.  I’m no longer going to automatically follow everyone, of course.  That’s an easy one.  Oh, if it looks like a real person without ulterior motives, I’ll be glad to reciprocate.  But I’m going to be selective, and will ignore anyone who doesn’t pass the smell test.

Also, as time permits, I’m going to take a look at all the people I’m following, one by one, and “unfollow” those from the categories listed below…

Any woman with a “sexy” photo taken from above, calculated to bring to mind an activity where a man would be viewing her from that particular angle.  Similarly, any woman displaying a bed-head photo, or a pronounced pout.

Any woman (or man) who sends a direct message asking if I’d like to meet up, “for friendship or maybe more.”

Any person who tries to sell me a product containing acai berries.  Those two words, used in conjunction, are an automatic shitcan-trigger.

Any person selling colon-blow products, that will reportedly dislodge forty years of McDonald’s spackle from my rectal walls.

Sure, I’ve been curious about something like that.  Who hasn’t?  A spectacular series of mega-movements, leading to a smiling web photo of me holding a wooden spoon draped with something that looks like three pounds of seaweed over a toilet, is certainly intriguing.

But I’m not buying any medical assplosives from a stranger on the internet, it simply isn’t going to happen.  Only an idiot would do something like that.  I’d probably end up in the hospital, peeing poop.

Any smiling doucheketeer in a suit and tie, who calls himself an “executive,” or an “entrepreneur.”  Or, even worse… a “CEO.”  Yeah, right.  Maybe the Chief Executive Officer of Dicklips Incorporated.

Anyone who posts nothing but quotes from famous people.  An occasional quote is one thing, but some Twitter users post nothing but.  I will unfollow them, because you can’t do covers on Twitter.  This ain’t karaoke, dammit.

Any non-relevant businesses.  Why would I need to follow tweets from the Snellville, Georgia Arby’s, for instance?  I’m happy they were finally able to replace the tayback valve in their cheddar pump, but I live in Pennsylvania.

Anyone who can’t be bothered to change the default “two testicles against a backdrop of brown” avatar.  It screams SPAMMER.  I’ll make one notable exception, however…

Also, any person who attempts to recruit me into their “mafia family,” offers to get me thousands of new Twitter followers, or does nothing but self-promote.  Smug-yet-wrong political commentary might be a problem, as well.  Depending on my mood at the time…

As I work through the process I’ll undoubtedly come up with other triggers, but this is a good start.  What am I missing?  Help me in the comments, won’t you?

And thanks for reading.