My Ten Favorite Single-Digit Numbers (And Why)

10. 6  The number of strings on a standard guitar, my favorite character on Blossom, the number of Miller High Lifes in a six pack, the number of billiard balls currently shoved up my ass.

9. 3  The Three Stooges, The Jam, Babe Ruth’s uniform number, Three’s Company, My Three Sons, the number of sweet potatoes currently shoved up my ass.

8. 5  Five Alive, Party of Five, Five Guys, the inscription on Barney Fife’s watch, five fingers on my shoving hand, the number of casino ashtrays currently shoved up my ass.

7. 2  The first TV channel on the dial, the number of breasts on a drunk girl in a Corona shirt, two can be as bad as one (but usually isn’t), the number of bowling pins currently shoved up my ass.

6. 9  The number of innings in a baseball game,  “Love Potion No. 9,” the total number of toes my Aunt Charlene has left, 999, nine planets, the number of butter sticks currently shoved up my ass.

5. 8  The number of patties on a Burger King Octostack, 8-Track tapes, “Sk8er Boi,” After Eight chocolates, V8 engines, the number of shampoo bottles currently shoved up my ass.

4. 7  What George Costanza wanted to name his kid, the number of albums released by The Replacements, Se7en, seven deadly sins, seven wonders of the world, the number of umbrellas currently shoved up my ass.

3. 4  Can be used to replace “for” while text-messaging, shares space with the dollar sign on a keyboard, four-letter words, four food groups, Gang of Four, four horsemen of the apocalypse, the number of pine cones currently shoved up my ass.

2. 1  We’re number one!, the number of novels published by Harper Lee, “One Step Beyond,” 1 Guy 1 Cup, “This one time at band camp…,” the number of water spaniels currently shoved up my ass.

1. 0  “My Hero, Zero,” zero gravity, Zero Mostel, zero money down, Al Oliver’s uniform number, the number of Buick LeSabres currently shoved up my ass (although tomorrow’s another day).