NSFW Lakr Wednesday: Turn Your Head and Cough
2011 May 18
If you haven’t read my other stuff from the WVSR, you will notice a trend in my writing contributions. I never get above “mid-brow.” It’s an endless, teenage James Joyce in a locker room stream-of-consciousness, chock full of toilet humor, dick jokes and/or raunchy sex. Today is no exception.
My nephews are involved in high school football, and one of them mentioned the other day that they would have to get a “physical” before next year. Ah yes…the dreaded “physical.” For those of you that might not be in the know, he was not going to be required to dress in a leotard, leg warmers and dance to Olivia Newton John songs from the early 80’s. A “physical” is what it sounds like. You see a doctor, and he does some basic diagnostic tests to gauge your general health to ensure that you are fit for some form of rigorous activity.
I then thought back to my last physical, the summer after my Freshman year of college. I had moved back to my hometown to be near my girlfriend from high school (she dumped me the first week of June for another dude, but that’s another story.) Her Dad was VP at the local brick factory, and he hooked me up with a summer gig to work there. However, I had to pass a physical to qualify for said position, so I scheduled an appointment to see their designated physician the next day.
So I show up, and the doctor remembers me from my recent days as a basketball standout at the local high school (FOUR touchdowns against POLK HIGH!) So I sit on the bench in the exam room, and he does the standard stuff…checks breathing, pulse, reflexes, etc. And then came the dreaded “hernia check.” So I stood, dropped my drawers as he rotated around on his stool to strap on his latex gloves, my exposed package enjoying some fresh air conditioning (summer in Texas) and waited.
Again, for the uninformed, when the doc checks you for a hernia, he digs a couple of fingers deep underneath your nutsack, and asks you to turn your head and cough. Always fun. But evidently, I had a surprise for the doctor..and he had a surprise for me.
This is probably “too much information” for most of you, but tough shit. Some people have a dimple on their chin, or “cleft chin.” I suppose you could say that I have a “cleft foreskin.” After a few public showers in high school, I got the nickname “dub,” short for “double barrel.” You should get the picture by now…2 holes 1 dick….yeah TMI.
So anyway, the doctor spins around on his stool after snapping on his nut gouging sheath, my junk at eye level. “Huh!?” he says, and then grabs my penis and aims it at his face “that’s peculiar!” I then realize he’s referring to ‘The Dub.’ He starts twisting it around and moves his head a little closer, taking in my peckerhead from all angles. THEN, he takes his index finger and mashes it on my dickhole(s)..kinda hard. “Do you ever get any discharge out of that thing??.”
At that point I was mostly mortified, hoping that I wouldn’t somehow get an erection out of sheer embarrassment. “Uhh..not that I know of,” I replied sheepishly. “Hmmm, interesting!!” he said, then relinquished my unit, and the ball digging and coughing commenced. When I sensed he was done, I pulled my pants up immediately, hoping that he wasn’t going to fetch a Polaroid camera and ask me if he could have a souvenir shot my dong.
Jeezus that was fucking weird. Chicks have commented on it over the years, to which I would explain that it was “a special model designed to maximize their pleasure.” Well, it’s certainly better to have a Kirk Douglas in the penis world than to have a Billy Barty.
Skol! -LF
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Everytime I take a morning piss after nailing the wife I feel like I have two pissholes. I’m shootin, left-right or up=down at the same time until the dried smeg pops clear.
Whata mess.
There is no shame in my game.
I remember my first football physical. I was scared shitless. My old man kept swearing up and down that the doctor was going to put his finger in my ass. And he added to the horror by warning me, “When he bends you over and puts his ‘finger’ in your ass, make sure he only has one hand on your back, and not two!” Jesus.
When I got there I was greeted by what had to be the hottest nurse in history. I was now scared that I might get a boner before dropping my pants.
It all turned out okay. No boner and nothing got put in my ass.
Isn’t it the challenge of a teenage guy not to get a boner for no reason at all, especially in public??
Getting a boner during a hernia check could drive one to drastic measures.
(I’m leading in to another old WVSR update)