O.U.A. Fines Jeff Kay $25 for Almost Ten Years of Illegal Aphorisms

Jeff Kay

Jeffrey S. Kay, the owner and operator of the popular website “The West Virginia Surf Report”, has agreed to pay a record $25 penalty to settle the U.S. Office of Unnecessary Aphorism’s  (OUA) claims that he violated informal speech laws and took “southern downhominess” at least several steps too far.

According to the OUA, $25  is a record fine amount for a violation of this type. The Associated Press (AP) reported that the office also censured the firm’s Scranton based “Further Evidence” arm by saying, “Awww c’mon now!  That just ain’t right.”

According to the OUA complaint, during a nine-year period beginning in 2000, The West Virginia Surf Report repeatedly provided unnecessary aphorisms to investigators such as the illegal similies: “hotter than an Operation Overlord scrotum” and “shaking like Janet Reno on a hayride”. Specifically, the OUA said the firm failed to produce any reasonable justification for “like a street person wearing a derby of turds”.  The office also said the firm also failed to provide justification for “Because I am to golf what Stephen Hawking is to… golf.”  The OUA determined the preceding sentence to be subversive irony, although OUA officials admitted that they weren’t sure due to the fact that it was outside the OUA’s scope of practice and “true storytellers don’t worry about such gimmicks anyhow.”  According to the OUA, the violations were discovered during an ongoing investigation that was launched after a complaint from a prominent West Virginia native known outside the investigation as “Buck”.  The complaintant allegedly alleged that Kay was “writing like a pussy.”

The OUA said Kay told investigators he could not reproduce notes from brainstorming sessions. But within a week, the OUA said, thewvsr restored the questionable pages created before the 2009 raid on the wvsr’s main production facility located in the p0sh suburbs of Scranton, PA. The OUA complaint also served to confirm that there apparently are actual suburbs of Scranton, which was news to this reporter. When investigators returned, the firm’s outside counsel told them that Mr. Kay “couldn’t give one tiny seahorse-shaped pooplet about any of it.”

“Mr. Kay could avoid all of this if he would just resign himself to the use of proper and necessary aphorisms such as: ‘That guy knows as much about West Virginia as a hog knows about Sunday’ or ‘If that woman isn’t stupid, she’s stupid’s first cousin’ or even ‘I might be pissin’ in the pond, but that ain’t what’s gonna break the dam.’ we would be able to avoid all of this unpleasantness.  I tell ya, that guy’s as stubborn as a mule with three toothaches!” Said OUA Director Jimmy Gillespie.

It is unclear at this time if the OUA intends to pursue additional enforcement action against the wvsr of if they’ll just wait it out like a good bladder soldier.