Our 7 Favorite Pocket Celebrities

2009 April 13
by mockers

shrinkingLike most disposable commodities, celebrities come in a variety of sizes, to meet many needs.  Today we’re going to focus on what is undoubtedly the most beloved category of them all:  the cute and cuddly pocket celebs.

Listed below are our seven favorite “portables,” along with their most practical household uses.  This is by no means a definitive list, just a rundown of the folks we currently find to be the most intriguing.

Be careful where you step!  There are leading men in the house!!

Tom Cruise Many people snickered when Tom was forced to jump up and down on a sofa, to be at eye level with the seated Oprah Winfrey, but we thought it was adorable.  The way his little legs bicycled in the air…  So cute.

Most practical household use:  a Tom Cruise makes a fantastic pot holder.

Fred Durst The Limp Bizkit badass reportedly had a brief sexual fling with Britney Spears in 2003, but the relationship was cut short after Durst slipped one night and “fell in.”  It only took a short time to rescue him, with ropes and a come-along, but the experience apparently spooked the tiny rap-metal star, and he ended the affair.

Most practical household use:  a pair of Fred Dursts serve as wonderful bookends.

Prince It’s rumored that the surly and abbreviated pop star special-orders his guitars from an accomplished dollhouse maker in Berne, Switzerland.  Which is fine by us, ‘cause he might be the size of a third grader, but the man rocks!

Most common household use:  a Prince can easily sashay into the works of a broken dishwasher, diagnose the problem, make repairs, and sashay out again.

Ronnie James Dio Providing indisputable proof that “throwing the horns” can be menacing and cool, even when it’s the size of a Barnum animal cracker (the camel).  The heavy metal legend is also rumored to be the inspiration for the much-loved Spongebob Squarepants character “Plankton.”

Most practical household use:  a Ronnie James Dio can be attached to a telescoping rod, and used to remove cobwebs from a cathedral-style ceiling.

Dustin Hoffman One of the few successful leading men in Hollywood who can be carried from set to set in a baby sling, Hoffman got his big break in 1967’s The Graduate.  Since then, he’s grown only as an actor.

Most practical household use:  several Dustin Hoffmans tossed casually on sofas and chairs, will give the room a homey, inviting feel.

Jon Stewart What he lacks in stature, he more than makes up for in sarcasm and condescension.  It’s rumored that the team of men Stewart employs to ensure the hydraulics on his desk chair remain fully-extended, are all graduates of Harvard University.

Most practical household use:  two motorized, counter-rotating Jon Stewarts function as a superior, hotel-grade shoe buffer.

Paul Simon One of the all-time greats, but he clearly doesn’t order his equipment from Switzerland like Prince does.  Because the only thing you see during a Paul Simon concert is a black guitar, two shins, two feet, and a bowl haircut.

Most practical household use:  a naugahyde-covered Paul Simon serves as a perfect cushion for an old-fashioned window bench.

So, who did we leave out?  Who are your favorite pocket celebrities, and what are their most practical household uses?  Tell us about it!  It’s important that we know.

13 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 April 13

    I am not a morning person and it’s only just after 9 am here (much too early for my liking) and I’m over here laughing hysterically! I loved this. How did I know Tom Cruise would be first? LOL.

  2. 2009 April 13
    2Tall permalink

    Does Sean Penn qualify as a pocket celebrity? Uses around the house? Throw him at your enemies like a ninja baby hedgehog.

  3. 2009 April 13
    Cosgrove permalink

    Heights according to Google search:
    Tom Cruise 5’7″
    Fred Durst 5′ 81/2″
    Prince 5’2″ – 5’4″ (There isn’t an accurate height for him on-line)
    Ronnie James Dio 5’4″
    Dustin Hoffman5’6 3/4″
    Jon Stewart 5’7″
    Paul Simon5’3″
    and just for shits and giggles
    Oprah 5’6 1/2″

    So oddly enough, she’d have to jump to see eye to eye with Tom Cruise

  4. 2009 April 13

    Um, Gary Coleman?

  5. 2009 April 13
    Knucklehead permalink

    Michael Dunn (AKA Miguelito Loveless). Does that date me, or what?

  6. 2009 April 13

    I’m not one to poke fun at little people generally (ok I lied), but what about the littlest of the littles? Matt Roloff from little people big world? Wouldn’t he make a sweet pot holder? Plop something down on his dwarf ass! Jeeze he’s an asshat…

  7. 2009 April 13

    What about Seth Green, Brekin Meyer – or even Ryan Phillipe? Seth Green is 5’4″, Brekin Meyer is 5’5″; Ryan Phillipe is 5’6″.

    I don’t care how you use Ryan Phillipe; Seth and Brekin should be used for a rather fun kind of evil. It’s their gift. (Robot Chicken, anyone?)

  8. 2009 April 14
    2Tall permalink

    @Knucklehead….yes, it does.

  9. 2009 April 14

    We forgot about David Faustino. He’s 5′ 3″. I really don’t know what household use he would have though. Maybe a scrub brush?

  10. 2009 April 14
    J Shifty permalink

    A friend of mine worked for a band that opened a tour for Ronnie James Dio. And they got a stern lecture before the first show about not standing on the monitors, ever. Only Mister Dio was allowed to take advantage of their vertical enhancement features. If someone else stood on them, he might appear even shorter!

    Of course, a slight Napoleon complex doesn’t mean the Sunset Superman rocks any less.

  11. 2009 April 15

    Wow, there are a lot of short men in the entertainment world. I had no clue Breckin Meyer was that short.

  12. 2009 April 15
    Nicole permalink

    From the looks of David Faustino, he’s a complete stranger to a scrub brush.

  13. 2009 April 15

    Shirley Temple – 5’2″ A very successful child star, rumored that she actually provided the voice for Darth Vadar and not James Earl Jones. Her likeness can found in the front lawns of the rich replacing the black lawn jockeys.

Leave a Reply

Note: You can use basic XHTML in your comments. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS