Pillows and Talking

So I am in bed next to my wife, staring at the ceiling.  After a few minutes of wondering who decided it was a good idea to put texture on ceilings  I said, “Although I am a huge fan of your breasts, I think I’d be okay if you had to have a double mastectomy for some reason.”

“That’s good to know,” she responded.  I could feel her rolling her eyes.

“No.  I mean, we would have a going-away party and I would grab them, look them in the eyes and say, ”tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.’ Then I would kiss them goodbye.”

“Ah, Shakespeare…” she responded.

“If he wasn’t talking about boobs, I don’t know what he could have been talking about,” I said.

“Christopher Marlowe’s cock?” She asked.

“Touché,” I said.

It was a lot funnier before I knew it wasn’t actually Shakespeare, but Tennyson…It could have been Hallmark for all I knew.  Unfortunately, Tennyson doesn’t appear to have been gay at all.  Oh well…it was funny at the time.

You know what I am already really, really tired of?  When I am sitting at my desk minding my own goddamned business and someone comes running up and says, “I was texting my brother in Topeka…remember him?  He’s the one with the backward cleft pallet.  Remember, the one inside his mouth?  Anyway, I was texting my brother in Topeka and I tried to write “Congrats!” because his babies were born with theirs on the outside.  But after I typed “Congrats!” my phone changed it to actually say “Contracts!”  He couldn’t figure out why I was yelling the word contracts at him!  I thought we’d never stop laughing.”

This story is invariably followed by an endless series of snorting noises. I liked those jokes better 50 years ago when they were called “Mad libs.”  Seriously…calm down…and then fuck off.

As long as you’re doing me favors, could you please stop trying to “introduce” me to the latest pop phenomena? Why in the hell do you derive pleasure from being the first one to show people a youtube video?  Unless you are the guy from the Dispatch who found Ted Williams, you don’t get any money or journalistic cred from going from office to office and yelling, “Oh my Gawd!  Did you see that bum with the bad teeth that sounds like a radio guy? Here, let me on your computer!”

Seriously, I do everything I can to avoid seeing the news…but there’s so goddamned much of it that some always sneaks through.  I have found that if I run like hell from the 24 hour news cycle that the stuff that is completely unavoidable is still more than enough to cause me to be knowledgeable of what’s going on.  Therefore, if people who are actively attempting to not know who the fuck Ted Williams is know who the fuck Ted Williams is, then everyone that doesn’t know who the fuck Ted Williams is is a dotard at best.

By showing youtube videos to the mentally deficient you must feel like Annie  freaking Sullivan, right? Any chance you might go feed the hungry or teach the illiterate to read instead?  I only ask because if I see that Ted Williams video one more time I am going to grab you by the back of the head and slam your face into the desk. Fucking youtube social workers…