Popular Music = Triple Mockable

2009 December 3
by mockers

I used to have a theory about popular music that involved a default setting of “R&B” – defined here as a song that stays in the same key with a karaoke machine rhythm section and some shitstain vocally masturbating all over the crappy speakers of my ’91 Sunbird.

Basically, popular music would do something big and important about once a decade – think the Beatles or Marvin Gaye or  Springsteen or Nirvana – and then all the time in between was filled with crappy R&B sung by overly attractive cartooney assholes who thought they were industry giants rather than tasteless filler.

It is now December of 2009 and as far as I’m concerned, in order to comply with the once-a-decade rule,  popular music has 28 days to pull something important out of its ass. It ain’t gonna happen, my friends.  We went ten whole freaking years and the only thing we have to show for it is Kanye West and a loudmouthed limey douchehole.  You recording industry pole smokers can blame illegal downloading if you want but I looked Billboard’s top 40 and I can’t find anything there that I’d be willing to infect my computer with, legal or otherwise.

I blame that stupid show about America’s best karaokiers or whatever and all you assholes that watch it.  Because of you, the only musical contribution to come from the mainstream this decade has been a flaming gay dude who couldn’t lift Freddie Mercury’s jock…and this man:


The guy is giving the thumbs up because he just wiped off my table at Burger King.  See, he’s one of those “special” employees that actually care about doing a decent job.  He wiped down the table with a filthy rag so well that I gave him a dollar.  After loudly exclaiming that he was “gonna get him some taffy” he threw his thumbs up in the air and then literally ran off to show the dollar to his manager.  It’s your fault, western “civilized” world that our number one entertainer looks like Jack Black’s older and only slightly more mentally handicapped brother.  Too bad we can’t somehow collect the texting charges you a-holes racked up while voting and apply them to the national debt.

Don’t get me wrong – there were plenty of incredible records that came out of the decade.  Bands that I have loved forever continued to come strong, but none of them are mainstream.  In fact, I would venture so far to say that with the help of the internet that now is probably the best time to try and make a modest living as a musician.  Unfortunately, nobody’s listening anymore except the skinny-black-jeans hipsters – and they’re less fun to be around than the karaoke-watchers.  Oh, and Jeff Kay…but he’s…well, you know…

Fuck it…I guess I’ll just sit here and complain like I always do…unless, of course, something cool happens in the next 28 days.  At least the teens are gonna rock…right?

11 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 December 3
    In Agony, GA permalink

    OMG, never noticed the Susan Boyle/Jack Black resemblance until now – if only she hadn’t had the makeover… a mean mock of her, yet enlightening!

  2. 2009 December 3
    Limey permalink

    Kids these days, eh? Back in my day we had your Beatles and your Marvin Gaye and your Springsteen and your Nirvana, real music with tunes and you could hear the words. Now it’s all people shouting about bursting a cap in “yo” for not taking proper care of their hoes. 50 Cents? No sense, I say! Get off my lawn!

  3. 2009 December 3

    Yep Limey, ya know though ya can’t tell these kids today a damn thing.

    “Word up”??
    I say word up their arses!

  4. 2009 December 3
    Vicki permalink

    Metten: Even if we are all cruel, cruel smartasses, we would like to be kept apprised of your health situation, if it doesn’t violate HIPPA law or something.

  5. 2009 December 3
    metten permalink

    Meh…I’m good…thanks for asking. I’m on steroids and feeling slightly less shitty every day.

  6. 2009 December 4
    Limey permalink

    That’s good to hear. (If you don’t mind disclosing) what are they giving you steriods for, apart for general weaklingness?

  7. 2009 December 5

    So poignant and true. I was happy to see Tool’s 10,000 Days sell 564,000 in it’s first week of release, besting the almighty Pearl Jam @ 279,000

    Still, most of you are thinking who the fart is Tool? It is the best music you’ve never heard but it ain’t mainstream.

    np: Britney Spears – If You Seek Amy

  8. 2009 December 8
    Jesi permalink

    Tool is painfully mainstream. Every douchebag kid at the mall is wearing a Tool shirt. And, they’re perhaps the most accurately named band in history.

  9. 2009 December 9
    Kevindust permalink

    Jesi, just because you hang out at the mall checking out what the kids are wearing does not make Tool mainstream. They are nowhere near as well known nor have they had the same type of crossover success in pop culture as say Nirvana or Guns n’ Roses or even Metallica.

    However, you are correct about the accuracy of their name. Their music is an excellent tool in exploring self reflection and creativity while the double entendre is also an indicator of their wicked sense of humour.

    np: I Mother Earth – Juicy

  10. 2009 December 11
    Jesi permalink

    Typical Tool fanboy response.

  11. 2009 December 12

    No. The typical Tool fanboy response is “you just don’t “get it”…cuz they write unconventional seven minute songs in 5/4 and 9/8 time” While the previous quote is likely true, that is not the point in the context of this discussion.

    My point was that in slight contrast to the posted mockable, a non-mainstream band managed to do something “big and important” this decade by doubling the same first week sales of a monumentally popular, genre defining, hugely successful, mainstream band.

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