Pre-Made Passive Aggressive Letters for Annoying Co-Workers

Dear Wannabe Artist Guy:

Okay look man, you’re generally a nice guy and we have no interest in pissing you off or hurting your feelings.  We would hate it if this was the straw that broke the camel’s back and caused you to come in here shooting, but we voted and we’ve decided to take that chance.  Unfortunately there’s no easy way to say this, so we’re just gonna say it:  Your band, your novels,  your screenplays, your one act plays, your drawings and other related creative endeavors are really, really shitty. You are literally talentless when it comes to the creative arts.  If you’re going to insist on creating that stuff, we respectfully ask that you quit showing it to us, talking to us about it or involving us at all in the process.  Further, we hereby formally decline any and all invitations to any type of performance in which you are involved now and in the future.  To be honest, we wish we could unsee performances that, through guilt and constant prodding, you’ve forced us to attend in the past.  We wish that it hadn’t come to this, but we feel that we have no choice.

Really, we feel bad…but to be honest, we gave you a fair shot.  We were listening when you told us that you felt like you were “born to entertain people”. We heard you loud and clear when you got drunk at the Christmas party, laid on the copy machine, started bawling and wailed, “I just wanna make people laugh!  Is that too much to ask?”  If it makes you feel any better, that Nick guy in receiving was laughing pretty hard at the time.

And at first we tried to be supportive.  Remember that time we all went to that seedy bar and paid a $4 cover just to watch you gyrate arrhythmically while you fucked around on a guitar?  We were the ones dressed in business casual attire quivering in the corner while the biker gang had their way with “Kori the Temp”.  We were actually grateful that you helped to finally rid us of Kori (although we felt a little guilty that you had to steer her back toward her methamphetamine and sex addictions just to make her go away), but the risk just wasn’t worth the reward.  Specifically the part where your nasally tenor vociferations attacked our eardrums like the fat secretary on the first floor attacks poppy seed muffins.  Out of respect for you, we stayed through the entire goddamned set.  We turned to alcohol hoping the natural analgesic would weaken the pain caused by your performance (it didn’t)…but we stayed…goddamnit.

Remember when you asked us to proofread the screenplay you wrote before you mailed it to the Nicholl Fellowship people?  I read that thing myself and it was the turdiest turd that ever had the misfortune of falling out of a human being.  It couldn’t have been any turdier if you had an electrified turd-making machine.  The characters were simultaneously unrealistic and unlikable throughout all 120 pages.  The dialogue was so wooden and lifeless that even Keanu Reeves couldn’t pull it off.  The story was stupid as dog shit.   No one would ever drive across country to buy a lottery ticket.  Besides, don’t we have enough fucking movies where people drive across the country?  Haven’t we, the American movie-going public, seen enough of unrealistic and unlikeable people driving across the goddamned country already?  Jesus!  Did I mention the thing was complete and total dog shit? I would rather help you move a body than read another one of your “writing projects.”

Most annoying of all is your attitude.  You act like you’re some sort of precious gem just waiting to be pulled from dirt and filth that is this office.  The reality is that you’re lucky to be here making enough money to keep your pathetic ass alive.  Anyone who believes that the crap you routinely produce and shove down our throats is actually good is probably also making several other critical errors around the office. If you continue to take your fortunate position for granted we’re going to beat the shit out of you, put you in a box and mail your ass to Addis Ababa.  Maybe by the time you get back you’ll realize how good you have it here, you fucking hack.  Thank you for your time and attention to this important matter.  Now, for the love of God…shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,

Your Tortured CoWorkers