Products for the beaten-down and hopeless!

Anonymous internet friends,

I’m afraid I have some sad news to report.  My hopes and dreams, which were with me from early childhood, are gone.  They put up a valiant fight, but recent events were simply too much to withstand.  Remember, I told you about the incident with “Wonk Eye” at work?  Well, that was but a tiny part of a larger assault.

The official time of death was approximately 7:49 PM, two Fridays ago.  Someday I’ll undoubtedly burden you with the details, but don’t really feel like going into it right now.

(That bitch!)

No, today I’d like to focus on the more positive consequence of all this negativity.  Following last Thursday’s memorial service for all my hopes and dreams, I learned that an elaborate support system already exists for people like me.  And it’s comforting to know I’m not alone.

Since I’m still new to the idea of having nothing to look forward to, and no hope whatsoever, I’m certainly not an expert.  The things I’m going to describe are probably just the tip of the iceberg, and will likely cause pathetica veterans to chuckle and roll their eyes.

But it’s a process, I believe, and I’m still at a point where I get a kick out of the fact that companies are creating products specifically for the beaten-down and broken!

Following are a couple of items I’ve already tested and enjoyed, and there are plenty of others I will tell you about in the future.

Most stores with a toy department sell boxes containing a photo in pieces.  How great is that?

At a factory somewhere they apparently paste an illustration of some sort to cardboard, and saw it into hunks.  Then we can buy the dismembered photograph, and spend several days piecing it back together!

I think this is fantastic.  I’ve already reassembled several pictures of castles and covered bridges, over many weeks, and the sense of accomplishment can last for up to a full minute each time.  And during that minute, I almost forget about how I’ve allowed it all to slip away.

Oh sure, a little of the “old me” rears its head every once in a while, and I end up shouting into a mirror, “Shitbag!  DOUCHENOZZLE!!  What are you doing?!  Look at what you’re doing!!”

But I quickly remember that I have nothing else going on, and am thankful for the diversion.

At magazine stands I also find booklets filled with various exercises designed to eat-up a few of the excruciating hours between right now and death.  And the value of such a thing cannot be overestimated.

In one you’re supposed to arrange single-digit numbers inside overlapping boxes.  I love it!  It allows me to do something, without all the complications purpose brings to the table.

In another, they describe a word in obscure language, you figure out what they’re getting at, and write it into overlapping boxes.  Overlapping boxes, I’m learning, are special friends of the pathetica!

A third variation contains page after page of random letters.  And hidden amongst them are a few actual words, which a person can sit around and try to locate.  The ones that are upside-down on a slant are my favorites!

As mentioned, I’m still very new to all this, and will undoubtedly discover other tools for the destroyed and given-up.  I will report back to you, my unseen “friends,” as I test each one.

In fact, over the next few weeks I’m planning to check out the following:  Twitter, self-help books, board games, The Wheel of Fortune, political zealotry, and hypochondria.

Please let me know of other items I might investigate.  I have a feeling I’m just scratching the surface here.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to crack the seal on a thoroughly-destroyed photograph of the skyline of Charlotte, North Carolina…

Until next time!