Salvation Army Invades Chinese Buffet

2009 April 6
All of your moo goo gai pan are belong to us
All of your moo goo gai pan are belong to us
Troops and armored vehicles took up positions today in different parts of the all-you-care-to-eat buffet, including the area outside of the soft-serve ice cream dispensor.  The dispensor was thought to be the high-value amenity that separated this buffet from similar targets.  The Salvation Army declared the entire buffet and dining area a “closed military zone” and off limits to the press.The army is also encircling the Sam’s Club and Hy-Vee food sources  down the street.  Recently escaped diners also reported raids overnight at Pizza Hut and four nearby budget family eating establishments, where dozens more were taken prisoner.

Meanwhile, the Salvation Army’s top general warned of bigger raids on Home Country Buffets and Golden Corrals as the instances of Sunday morning church services increase.

President Obama said that Salvation Army leadership had a chance to secure peace but has not delivered. The New York Times reported on Sunday there is an intense debate within the Obama administration over whether a military response was necessary or if they should just wait until all the food has been consumed.

Our photojournalist was killed immediately after he was busted taking this photo
Our photojournalist was killed after he was busted taking this photo. Seriously, that guy was mad

Melissa Williams, a recently widowed mother of three, arrived exhausted at a makeshift camp established at a Richman Gordman retail outlet for those fleeing the crossfire of the Salvation Army’s still-unfolding invasion. She was anxious to let her three young children rest after they spent more than an hour running from the Salvation Army forces.

“We don’t know when this will be over,” said Williams, 32, tearfully cradling her 3-month-old in a frayed blanket and recounting how her husband was killed while attempting to obtain a handful of sprinkles. “I’ve lost my husband. I have these children.  This place offers an easy-to-shop layout, energetic signage and graphics, Gordmans Giggles children’s theater, a sports-themed seating area, and most importantly, a huge selection of brand name fashions at incredible savings, but we cannot eat any of these things.  What willwe do?  Go home?  It’s so early!”

When pressed for answers as to why the Salvation Army chose to invade the territory, Maj. Jonah Granger, the Salvation Army’s national spokesman in Alexandria, Va. claimed that the invasion was in response to the economic marginalization and discrimination by department stores who have banned holiday bell ringers from the their entrances.  

“No solicitation policy my ass.  We told ’em they’d be sorry.  Plus those crab rangoons are so tasty,” said Granger.

Tastes like victory! …and salt…mostly salt really…

At press time the Salvation Army occupied just under 14 square miles of eating establishments in the northeast, the military said.   Aid workers at the Gordman’s said they expect many more civilians to arrive as the invasion continues. The International Committee of the Red Cross estimates that 6,500 civilians are trapped in the invasion zone. 

Williams hopes this camp will be safer than the chinese buffet. Ironically, the aid workers were able to secure Williams and her family a few rice packets and bottled water.

“I just want to survive,” she said, rocking her child.

4 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 April 6
    Joe T. permalink

    …and Jesus wept.

  2. 2009 April 6

    Laughing my ass off this is the best post so far.

  3. 2009 April 6
    Jason Borne permalink

    Will someone just hold me,,,,,,,,,

  4. 2010 February 24

    Beware, they have the ultimate weapon of mass destruction.

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