Self Mock #3 – Stand Up Bits That Never Were

An example of a good stand up comedian...what you're reading right now? Not so much...

It’s no excuse, but I am totally getting killed in real life right about now.  Instead of posting nothing, or worse yet…subject you to more rapping – I decided to go through all of my bits from the old days and share a few that didn’t make it into the act.  Hopefully this will provide ample opportunity for you guys to tear me up in the comments and it will be worth a laugh or two. 

I’m just curious here…if everything in life can be broken down into mathematical expressions, as several of my physicist friends have claimed…what, exactly = blow job?  I’ve tried footrub+housecleaning and apparently that =’ed “lunch with sister.”  I tried dinner + movie – belching out loud and that =’ed ‘watching you read a book.’  Are there any physicists in the audience?  What =’s blow job?

I still think that this one has promise.  I was always going to try to put together a long narrative with a really complicated mathematical formula (you know, something about the cosine of ‘not watching football’ over the tangent of  ‘not looking at your cousins boobs anymore.’  If I was ever going to get really ambitious I would take a whiteboard on stage and use trigonometric functions to draw some pornographic picture.  Of course, that would have been going a really long way just to tell what is essentially a ‘men are from some planet that is different than women joke’ or whatever) 

I think the English language is broken.  I really think that since every product that we use in this country is manufactured by the Chinese, we are all being silently and severely affected by the guy that only speaks broken English that’s charged with the task of putting something on the label.  I think somehow…at some subconscious level, we’re all starting to speak like a Chinese dude that learned English by watching American reality television.

For instance, I was washing dishes the other day and someone had left a bottle of  bubbles out on the counter.  The label said “Miracle Bubbles”.  This got me to thinking.  Why miracle bubbles?  Are they truly miracle bubbles?  I began to imagine a crab fisherman out on a liferaft being tossed about like a rag doll over 40 foot waves.  He’s just a speck in the the giant ocean and no resucue helicopter can see him.  He knows that if the storm doesn’t get him, the hypothermia will.  Then I pictured him in there with the miracle bubbles, happily blowing away.  After a few minutes the chopper comes and the Alaskan bikini hand job team drops out of the sky to his rescue…man, those were some miracle bubbles!!

Okay, I still like the basic concept of this one and I believe it to be true.  I just need a better example than the ‘miracle bubbles.’  Keep your eyes peeled for me will ya?  Or you could just call me fat.

Spiderman’s footwear-   I’m always yelling at my kids about not going outside without shoes on.  One day I looked down at my son’s Spider Man breakfast plate….spider man was wearing nothing but fuckin’ socks.  Then I remembered that the kid isn’t spider man…I also thought about how ridiculous spider man would look in a pair of Keds.

Meh.  Complete shit.  We’ll be back tomorrow with a quality guest mock.  I’ll try to get my shit back together over the weekend.  See ya Monday…