Sell Phones

I just don’t get it.

I’m not talking about the people who use cellphones. Everybody uses cellphones. I see Vietnamese construction workers, making about 300 dollars per month, using their cellphone. 

It is too easy to make fun of the idiots that walk around talking to themselves because they have some super-secret cellphone attached to their ear. These people have no concept of the basics of societal interaction. They are missing a gene. Or perhaps several genes. 

It is too easy to make fun of the fucknuts that have abnormally loud personal conversations on their cellphones. In public places. I really didn’t need to know about your herpes. Or which version of herpes you happen to have contracted. Or from whom you may have contracted said disease. Or the complicated set of circumstances that lead to this. Really. 

What I am talking about is the cellphones themselves. 

I have personally owned/used about 10 different cellphones (owned my own, used the company’s). All were highly appreciated in their ability to allow me to make/receive important phone calls. The later cellphones also allowed me to check up on how the Red Sox were doing. Which is nice. 

But I have never met a cellphone that didn’t have its flaws. Take my current geegaw. It is fairly easy to use. It is 3G – which I think means that it uses some sort of sophisticated high speed protocol that can connect to the Hubble Telescope and maybe even fire space lasers. I can use it to surf the Interweb. But the screen is so small that the ESPN.com home page looks like a bunch of periods and commas. The WVSR comes in with fonts large enough to read. But that means I have to scroll left/right/up/down just to read the bitch. I feel like Sherlock Holmes with his magifyng glass, look for clues. 

I could upgrade to a cellphone with a larger screen. But have you ever carried one of these things around? They are effing huge! You either have to wear it on your belt, in a special belt carrier, like the nerd in high school how had a portable calculating machine attached to his belt. Or carry it in your pocket and give people the impression that you have some sort of penile defect. 

I could upgrade to an iPhone. But I have a personal aversion to iPhones, iPods, or any electronic device which has a name that begins with the small letter “i”. What is the attraction? Apple have sold thousands of these, or maybe more. Again, I don’t get it. You can scroll across the screen by tracing your finger. Ooohh. What miracle of modern science allowed this? The iPhone is a pet rock on steroids. 

The Blackberry? Good for folks who absolutely, positively need to stay on top of their email 24/7. C’mon. Take it from me – it’s not really that important to respond to Delonte’s email about the Globocom contract. It really isn’t. Have a cocktail. 

And the tiny wee buttons. Seriously, you have to have above average hand-eye coordination to operate some of these devices. 

And earbuds. Uncomfortable and shitty sound quality. Sounds like a winner to me. 

And the User Guides. Do I really need a 63 page guide on how to use my phone? I just want to make a phone call. 

And the different protocols/providers. My current Taiwan cellphone will not work in Japan. But my US cellphone will work in Taiwan. And if I use my Taiwan cellphone in the US, I might as well take out a second mortgage. 

And the different mobile operating systems. It’s like VHS vs. Beta all over again. 

The whole cellphone phenomenon has been a boon to civilization. Fine. But the technology is as schizophrenic as Sybil. 

Oh wait, that’s my ringtone. I’ll get it…..