Simply Working Here Forever Does Not Make You Smarter Than Everybody Else

2009 August 11
by mockers

factory workerOkay, look- I was brought up properly by decent people that taught me to respect my elders.  You are my elder. Now that I think about it, your white trash kids are my elder. You deserve my respect.  And to an extent, you’ve got it.  Now shut the fuck up old man before I send your wrinkly ancient ass to the unemployment line. 

Despite the fact that you were “workin’ this line since I was shittin’ yella”, the people that actually own ‘the line’ rely on me to run your shift and get the product out the door.  Why is it, do you think, that the owners of this company trust me: a smart-mouthed know-it-all college-boy faggot rather than you: a staple in this factory for generations, to run this place for nine hours a day?  It’s got to be because I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, right?  My daddy must of bought me that sheep skin that got me the key to the middle manager’s washroom, right?

It couldn’t possibly be that I spent years studying while working at least two jobs to pay the tuition.  No way, I’ve gotta be a trust fund baby that spent my college years high on coke while nailing confused suburbanite girls.  You’re the one who showed up a week after graduation and did your part to hold up this factory ever since.  How is it that I, the snot-nosed punk that I am, can waltz in here and start ordering people around?

Listen douche, you’ve been pulling the same two friggin’ levers and tightening the same six friggin’ bolts since 1981.  You don’t have 28 years of experience.  You have one hour of experience 58,240 times.  If I wanted your fat head to explode, I’d repeat those sentences using Roman numerals.  Okay, here goes: You don’t have XXVIII years of experience.  You have one hour of experience MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMCCXL times.  I wish it were that easy.

If you weren’t such a bitter cock about the whole thing, we could work together to make the place more efficient.  No one could possibly be more of an expert than you are when it comes to those two levers and those six bolts.  I could use your invaluable experience to streamline all eight of those things.  Unfortunately, you can’t bring yourself to do anything except stare at me with contempt because of how stupid I am.  See, I don’t show you a bit of respect.  I’ve never once asked you about the different styles and methods of pulling levers and fastening bolts.  I’ve never made even the simplest inquiry to tap into your vast industry knowledge. 

If I had, I would have realized that 28 years of eating lunch with the same people causes a lot of knowledge to rub off.  I’d know that you know everything about the people that take the rings out of the oven and hang them to start on the line.  I’d learn that you even know everything about those guys that sand down and then glue in the glass pieces.  I’d learn that those assholes think they’re top dogs around here.  Well if I’d just shut my candied-ass up for a second and listen, I’d especially learn that the whole thing would fall apart without you, no matter what those pussy glass guys say. 

Hell, under different circumstances we might even be friends.  I’d learn the story behind every one of your ill-chosen and poorly drawn tattoos.  We’d grab a couple of Bud heavies and wonder why every quarterback that ever played for the Browns (except Otto Graham of course) was a complete and total faggot-ass.  I probably don’t even watch football.  I probably jerk off to polo while drinking Saranac Pale Ales or something homoey like that…God, I’m a such a stupid homo.

At the very least I might value your world knowledge and political experience.  If I’d just take the time to have one simple goddamned conversation with you I’d learn that there’s a special cadre of fruity black jews that run this whole planet. I might even could help you raise the militia and finally rid us of those goddamned fruity eliteist black Jews forever…

You know what I’ll do instead?  I think I’ll go ahead and show the owners of this company the cost-benefit analysis I completed that objectively proves that the money saved by firing you can allow them to finance the machines that they’ve been considering for the last 8 years.  You know, the ones that will make your job completely obsolete?  Don’t worry, I’m sure that TCBY has a place on their roster for an old racist homophobe that knows how to pull a lever and scream encouraging words at Junior as he drives in a circle.

14 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 August 11

    Oh such sentiment, take the guy to lunch and then fire him, I would. When it comes to me doing my job, I’m an indelible prick. A side of me that very few see but when he comes out, it ain’t gonna be pretty. You see, I am the project manager. Everything goes by my schedule, my timeline, my way, don’t like it, I don’t give a shit. Just do the job and we are both happy. Don’t do it and I’m your worst nightmare. I could care less if you were a smart-mouthed know-it-all college-boy faggot or an old racist homophobe that knows how to pull a lever and scream encouraging words. I want the job done and I want it done now. If I was informed correctly, the clock is ticking, is that right, Junior?

  2. 2009 August 11
    Vicki permalink

    Jeff or Metten? A beer or two or something rests on answer.

  3. 2009 August 11

    Shiny, you kick ass man!
    I wish you worked where I do, there is way too little prickiness here.
    I want the job done correctly and on time and my prickiness or “prickatude” is sufficient to get it done but my position in management isn’t high enough to be THE effective prick that I aspire to be.

  4. 2009 August 11
    strangeart permalink

    Simply excellent-one of the best yet.

  5. 2009 August 11
    The Crotch Kid permalink

    Metten all the way. Only he could wrangle up that much anger AND be able to get it all down on paper for our enjoyment.

  6. 2009 August 11
    t-storm permalink

    What about spending $10,000 for OEM support plus Engineering and Mechanic time, plus parts and labor to fix 4 parts that might cost $2,000 total.

    Read Savage Factory. You’ll hate the 2 lever 4 bolt fuck up even more.

  7. 2009 August 11
    SeanInSac permalink

    I started a job as a warehouse manager a few years back. I had just turned 25 and had a logistics background in the military, trained for 10 months at the companies distribution center and was sent to completely overhaul one of the branch warehouses, new computer system the works. One of the older guys and I got on right away, he was my shipping lead and had 35 years of experience in the field we are in. We had a similar sense of humor and things were great. My cycle counter on the other hand, flash temper and thought he knew it all. He finally completely lost his shit and went off on me, I calmly told him there was a reason why he was 53 and answering to a 25 year old and he had just illistrated that reason. If he didn’t like it I would happily accept his resignation. No problems after that.

  8. 2009 August 12
    Limey permalink

    Jeff or Metten? Yesterday’s post oozed with unrequited latent homosexuality and today’s post has the rage of a failure on the downward slope to their grave. Given that Jeff and Metten seem to alternate postings I would say… that you need more information to tell who wrote which.

  9. 2009 August 12

    Limey, it’s Metten. Observe the lack of usual Jeffisms like “hotter than giraffe urine” or “assplotion” or “did someone go all Half-Shirt on ya”.

  10. 2009 August 12
    metten permalink

    I must say…”a failure on the downward slope to their grave” is surprisingly accurate.

  11. 2009 August 12
    Vicki permalink

    I said Metten all the way. My husband paid too much attention to the Saranac red herring.

  12. 2009 August 13
    tilly permalink

    there is one in every factory. great writing. i thought it was jeff by the way. At any rate simply excellent.

  13. 2009 August 13
    kristin permalink

    I say Metten. The Saranac slam is a dead giveaway.

    And for the record, I am college graduate that enjoys watching Junior drive around in a circle.

  14. 2009 August 14
    UpNort permalink

    I’m shooting for Metten. Not whiney enough to be Jeff.

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