So Your Long Lost Ex-Girlfriend Turned Out to Be a Cam-Whore
Sometimes you go to sleep thinking about the time that she came to your ninth birthday party. Her mom and step dad were alcoholics, so they didn’t have very much money. While all of the other kids gave you a transformer or some lame Jenga game, Diane kissed you on the lips. Sure everyone screamed, “Cooties!!” but you went to bed that night feeling like a man. That mental picture has gotten you through many a cold winter night. If only you knew – that one simple and seemingly innocent act was little Diane’s first step toward becoming a web-cam whore.
You really shouldn’t feel guilty about the time that Diane let you touch her boobs behind the rock wall in seventh grade. There really wasn’t much of an Internet back then. You couldn’t possibly have had any idea that your actions would contribute to her eventually standing there awkwardly in the bedroom of her McKinney, TX apartment, undulating clumsily to Usher in front the $278 camera she purchased at Wal-Mart with gift cards given to her by her children at her wedding reception – all in a futile effort to catch the eye of an affluent Japanese businessman or at least someone who might bring her home free steak from the sizzler. Seriously, there’s no way you could have known.
She's responsible for your first and last erection.
There wasn’t any way you could have known unless, you know, you hired a private investigator who used her name and approximate age to pull her driver’s license number and then look up her moving violations in three different states and then cross-reference them with any civil actions she might have been involved in to find out that she was divorced three years ago and custody of her kids was awarded to the father and then he used the information he gathered to discover she has a Yahoo! profile under the handle of “Dianeperkynpeppy” which led him to her myspace page where she was promoting her various efforts at getting men to log on to view the cheap webcam that’s set up in her bedroom and suggest things from around the room that she can shove into various orifices of her body for money. Unfortunately for you, you did hire that private detective – and he sent you the pictures…and the video…and the promotional t-shirts and it’s all been downhill from there.
Your best hope is that Diane will perform some kind of Forest Gumplike return to your welcome arms and you’ll get to take her back and teach her to fly the straight and narrow once again. And then she’ll give you AIDS…and you’ll deserve it…you stalker. The end.
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omg. been there. only she’s a “belly dancer” living with some dude who runs a sort of sexcult. i guess it’s the same principal though…
Metten, we as men, have ALL had a Diane Culpepper in our lives, sad but true, that one little whore that changed your life forever. Thanks ” Heather S.”
Yeah, it never turns out like “There’s Something About Mary” where she’s a hot doctor that seemingly has an endless amount of free time to spend playing golf or talking about football with you.
Amazing writing. I am in awe.
Ditto – yet its sad…
Hey, Jenga WAS cool though….. but even better when combined with some weed
Recently a whole slew of ex-girlfriends have found Mr.Man on facebook. He actually got one to get in touch with old school friends and people he was in the military with.
They all seem to be pretty normal but I’m betting at least a couple will turn out to be skanks.
Dude, I can only HOPE that’s what happened to the chick that broke my heart for the first time. Much like you man, she was the absolute PERFECT high school girl. Hot, popular, outgoing, friendly, extremely smart. Sadly however, her life didn’t digress into an abyss of hopelessness and despair. OH NO SIREE!!!! The bitch is now the CEO of her own company and lives in a beach front mansion in Hawaii. There is NO fucking justice in this world.
Buck Out