Some General (and dirty) Questions

2011 January 10
by mockers

Well, Friday’s post went over like a lead balloon farting on a whore in church. I think that’s how that saying goes.  I know that I am supposed to “give the people what they want” and then “leave them wanting more” but I couldn’t help it.  I sat down to write and turned on Girl Talk. I was so amazed at how much easier things flowed once the music was playing so I started talking about it.  Then the Eazy-E line came back into my brain and it was all over.  I think tomorrow I am going to do one of the gimmicks that we used to do here like “mockers for hire” or “explanations for aliens” just so that it doesn’t feel too foreign and bloggy.  Do you have any suggestions?

Today I want to ask for your opinion and maybe ask for a favor.  First, exactly how dirty am I allowed to be on this page?  I mean, I know that I have the ability to type any collection of words into this machine that I want and hit the publish button…but how far can I go before you scrunch up your beautiful faces in disgust and click back over to Martha Stewart or whatever?

Have you ever heard Dave Attell’s bit about the time he had to have hernia surgery after trying to shit too fast?  It’s on his album “Skanks for the Memories.”  I am laughing just thinking about it.  My story is a lot like that one, except slightly more personal, disgusting and sexual in nature. Do you want to hear it?  I look forward to your thoughts on this very delicate and important matter.

I listen to a ton of stand-up and collect their bits like other people collect baseball cards. It hasn’t gotten to the point where I know which comic is at the Norfolk, VA Funny Bone next Tuesday or anything like that and I don’t know the name of Bangor’s hottest up-and-coming comedian…but if I had more time I probably would.  Some day when I finally find a rich and beautiful sugar momma to replace my current middle-class and beautiful low-fructose corn syrup momma, I am going to see if I can make a living on the college stand-up circuit.  Once I get the kids out of the house the worst-case scenario would be that I won’t be able to afford food.  When the worst case scenario is weight loss, it’s got to be a good move.

Here’s where I need your help.  One time in the late 90’s I found myself sitting at a table in El Paso, TX drinking heavily with a group of peers. Before passing out and urinating in my jeans, I shared my opinion that we needed new curse words. Without hesitation and in near unison, the table replied, “What the fuck are you talking about?” I responded that we’ve been using the same shitty curse words for centuries and I though it would be nice to have some alternatives that could be gently worked into the American vernacular.  Seriously, check out the entry for “fuck” at the Online Etymology Dictionary:

until recently a difficult word to trace, in part because it was taboo to the editors of the original OED when the “F” volume was compiled, 1893-97. Written form only attested from early 16c. OED 2nd edition cites 1503, in the form fukkit; earliest appearance of current spelling is 1535 — “Bischops … may fuck thair fill and be vnmaryit” [Sir David Lyndesay, “Ane Satyre of the Thrie Estaits”], but presumably it is a much more ancient word than that, simply one that wasn’t written in the kind of texts that have survived from O.E. and M.E. Buck cites proper name John le Fucker from 1278.”

I am extremely confident that the cool kids were using the word forever before someone finally wrote it down in a place where it could be found centuries later.  Basically, the word “fuck” has been king of swear words for at least 700 years.  I have a hard time thinking up any human legacies older than that.  I mean, “fuck” has ruled the world of cursing longer than the Ming Dynasty ruled over China by over 400 years.  It shows no signs of stepping down any time soon.  The Byzantine Empire had better watch its ass.

I’m not saying that we need to take down the fucking king or anything like that, but I really believe that it’s time to introduce some alternatives.  One up-and-comer that I have profound respect for is the word “queef.”  It is appropriately filthy and succeeds in making me cringe when I type it. It does not appear in the Online Etymology Dictionary, but I suspect its etymology lies in onomatopoeia…which is gross.

So anyway, the best the table could come up with was “schvieking.”  We used it pretty enthusiastically at first, but in the long run it turned out to be nothing more than a poor substitute for “fucking.”  So the favor that I ask is for you to provide some candidates for new curse words.  Maybe you could nominate some accepted slang that can transcend the boundaries of euphemism into a full-fledged curse word…or you could suggest a new grouping of letters than we can assign some filthy meaning to.  Either way, I’d love it if we could have something new to call the guy in the cube next to me…

See you guys tomorrow.

7 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 January 10
    Kevindust permalink


    Lame response? Yes. We have to get the comments rolling somehow…

  2. 2011 January 10
    Tawian On permalink

    Fart jokes – no. Descriptions of feces are rarely as funny as the desciber believes.

    Fuck jokes – yes. Cursing is always fucking funny.

    Welcome back Metten….

  3. 2011 January 10
    squawvalleyskip permalink

    On the new vulgarities, I got nuthin. The old ones work pretty well for me on a regular daily basis. On the subject of how ‘dirty” you can get, it’s your deal here, as you pointed out. As for me, the dirtier the better. I’ve been in the Army, in jail, and spent a career in heavy civil construction before leaving for the warm confines of the local Post Office Processing and Distribution center. Nothing you can come up with is going to offend me. And if you can I salute you. I suspect the majority of your faithful readers, while maybe not sharing all of my life experiences, share my prediliction for the obscene. Judging from some of the comments I’ve seen in the past, that includes your readers of the feminine persuasion. If I’m mistaken, I trust I will be quickly put in my place. Somehow i don’t think that’s likely. And if I haven’t mentioned it before, Welcome Back.

  4. 2011 January 10
    Kevindust permalink

    What is offensive? Where is the line? I’ve seen two girls one cup and I was offended…but I still watched. My vote is for wide open Metten, I believe this audience can handle it.

  5. 2011 January 10
    Strangeart permalink

    Let her rip Metten….heh.

  6. 2011 January 10

    Nothing is too vulgar or gross for me. Toilet humor is encouraged.

    New curse word? GROIK It sounds ugly with the bookend hard sounds, & can mean anything.

    -Taking a wicked GROIK
    -I was GROIKING this chick last night…
    -That guy in accounting is such a GROIKER
    -Her GROIK reeked like a hot day in Chinatown

    I can probably think of some more.

  7. 2011 January 11
    Big Bear in OH permalink

    I’m one for free and uncensored–whatever you feel like writing, so long as it skews funny, I’ll read. As for new curse words…I feel like the hard ck sound and the hard F sound are both pretty good, so fuck is really a super-word…like cunt with that hard n or cumdumpster, which I learned describes my buddy’s now ex-girlfriend. I think I’ve pretty much exhausted my personal vulgarity for the day, but thanks for asking how far you can take it.

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