Some General (and dirty) Questions

Well, Friday’s post went over like a lead balloon farting on a whore in church. I think that’s how that saying goes.  I know that I am supposed to “give the people what they want” and then “leave them wanting more” but I couldn’t help it.  I sat down to write and turned on Girl Talk. I was so amazed at how much easier things flowed once the music was playing so I started talking about it.  Then the Eazy-E line came back into my brain and it was all over.  I think tomorrow I am going to do one of the gimmicks that we used to do here like “mockers for hire” or “explanations for aliens” just so that it doesn’t feel too foreign and bloggy.  Do you have any suggestions?

Today I want to ask for your opinion and maybe ask for a favor.  First, exactly how dirty am I allowed to be on this page?  I mean, I know that I have the ability to type any collection of words into this machine that I want and hit the publish button…but how far can I go before you scrunch up your beautiful faces in disgust and click back over to Martha Stewart or whatever?

Have you ever heard Dave Attell’s bit about the time he had to have hernia surgery after trying to shit too fast?  It’s on his album “Skanks for the Memories.”  I am laughing just thinking about it.  My story is a lot like that one, except slightly more personal, disgusting and sexual in nature. Do you want to hear it?  I look forward to your thoughts on this very delicate and important matter.

I listen to a ton of stand-up and collect their bits like other people collect baseball cards. It hasn’t gotten to the point where I know which comic is at the Norfolk, VA Funny Bone next Tuesday or anything like that and I don’t know the name of Bangor’s hottest up-and-coming comedian…but if I had more time I probably would.  Some day when I finally find a rich and beautiful sugar momma to replace my current middle-class and beautiful low-fructose corn syrup momma, I am going to see if I can make a living on the college stand-up circuit.  Once I get the kids out of the house the worst-case scenario would be that I won’t be able to afford food.  When the worst case scenario is weight loss, it’s got to be a good move.

Here’s where I need your help.  One time in the late 90’s I found myself sitting at a table in El Paso, TX drinking heavily with a group of peers. Before passing out and urinating in my jeans, I shared my opinion that we needed new curse words. Without hesitation and in near unison, the table replied, “What the fuck are you talking about?” I responded that we’ve been using the same shitty curse words for centuries and I though it would be nice to have some alternatives that could be gently worked into the American vernacular.  Seriously, check out the entry for “fuck” at the Online Etymology Dictionary:

“Fuck:

until recently a difficult word to trace, in part because it was taboo to the editors of the original OED when the “F” volume was compiled, 1893-97. Written form only attested from early 16c. OED 2nd edition cites 1503, in the form fukkit; earliest appearance of current spelling is 1535 — “Bischops … may fuck thair fill and be vnmaryit” [Sir David Lyndesay, “Ane Satyre of the Thrie Estaits”], but presumably it is a much more ancient word than that, simply one that wasn’t written in the kind of texts that have survived from O.E. and M.E. Buck cites proper name John le Fucker from 1278.”

I am extremely confident that the cool kids were using the word forever before someone finally wrote it down in a place where it could be found centuries later.  Basically, the word “fuck” has been king of swear words for at least 700 years.  I have a hard time thinking up any human legacies older than that.  I mean, “fuck” has ruled the world of cursing longer than the Ming Dynasty ruled over China by over 400 years.  It shows no signs of stepping down any time soon.  The Byzantine Empire had better watch its ass.

I’m not saying that we need to take down the fucking king or anything like that, but I really believe that it’s time to introduce some alternatives.  One up-and-comer that I have profound respect for is the word “queef.”  It is appropriately filthy and succeeds in making me cringe when I type it. It does not appear in the Online Etymology Dictionary, but I suspect its etymology lies in onomatopoeia…which is gross.

So anyway, the best the table could come up with was “schvieking.”  We used it pretty enthusiastically at first, but in the long run it turned out to be nothing more than a poor substitute for “fucking.”  So the favor that I ask is for you to provide some candidates for new curse words.  Maybe you could nominate some accepted slang that can transcend the boundaries of euphemism into a full-fledged curse word…or you could suggest a new grouping of letters than we can assign some filthy meaning to.  Either way, I’d love it if we could have something new to call the guy in the cube next to me…

See you guys tomorrow.