Stuff You Can’t Do if You Happen to be Invited to Jeff Kay’s House for Some Reason

2009 June 16
by mockers

rulesThere is at least one active series on the Travel Channel at all times that focuses on a list of social faux pas in a selected part of the world and how to avoid them.  You know, stuff like: never shake hands with your left hand in the Middle East, never give a green hat to a Chinese man, never take your vagina outside while visiting Suriname, etc.  I really believe that these folks would do us all a favor if they visited Jeff and Toney’s Bed and Breakfast and helped us all to learn how to navigate these dangerous waters without offending the natives. 

Unfortunately, their worthless asses are in Australia right now.  Apparently Pennsylvania in June isn’t exactly the tropical paradise they were looking for…so once again, it’s up to me.  Armed with nothing more than years of experience as a fan of the Surf Report and my trusty laptop, I’ll do my best to give you the best tips and tactics to stay in good graces at Chez Kay.

1)  Never go #2 in the downstairs toilet. (it is an unreliable agent)

2) Never express your love and admiration for:

  • mass-produced domestic beer
  • Sinbad, Robin Williams, Tim Allen, Martin Short or the Clinton Administration
  • Hank Aaron, socialism, Interstate 81, communism and sugary cereal

3) Shave your legs and armpits (unless you’re a weightlifter…or a dude (I think) – in that case, don’t shave your legs and armpits)

4) Do your best to brush up on proper English before you head over to the Kay’s.  Mispronunciations or improper use of the language will cause you to be the recipient of cruel mockery.

5) Eating – This is a big one

  • Visitors to Jeff Kay’s house should eat slowly and deliberately at all times.  Sudden moves or eating too quickly could result in death.
  • Keep your mouth closed at all times, I am not sure how one is expected to actually get the food inside one’s mouth, but please remember that the slightest smacking sound could result in death.
  • Before leaving for Jeff’s house, take some time to read and memorize the manufacturer’s recommended serving size on all condiments.  Over-condimenting one’s food could result in death.
  • In fact, you may want to carry a small digital scale and measuring tape to make sure that there isn’t a disproportionate amount of anything on your sandwhich.
  • Regardless of how hot it might be, and regardless of how refreshed the cool glass of ice water makes you feel – DO NOT exhale loudly at the end of a long drink.  This will be seen as an insult.
  • Never hold your fork like a tennis racket.  In fact, maybe it would be best if you just fasted throughout the trip.  Basically, any of the routines of necessity that you have become accustomed to during your time on this planet (i.e., sleeping, eating, basic conversations) should be completed as quietly as possible with the appropriate amount of shame. After all, Jeff Kay is the Woody Allen of people.

6) Entertainment

  • Intimate knowledge of the time that Rubén Sigüenza’s grandmother and Fast Floyd unsuccessfully tried to cut a blues record will be viewed with appreciation.
  • Intimate knowledge of the Dave Matthews band will be viewed with the polar opposite of appreciation.
  • Do your best to say complimentary things about all character actors with faces that look like scrotums that happen to find their way onto the Kay’s television.

Okay, I know I’m missing a few thousand things.  Help me out in the comments will ya?  I have no idea how these two things are related, but let’s teach that guy to think twice before he ever posts 15 random songs on the Internet again.  What else would get you into trouble at the Kay house?  Cranking up the window units and turning the basement into the frozen tundra?  Leaving your “Lego” on the floor?  What?

34 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 June 16
    SeanInSac permalink

    Freaking hilarious!!! I love Ol’ JK but dear lord the man has some serious problems with very minor human foibles. Especially the whole, only shit in my own home thing. Granted public toilets are not anybody’s number one choice but I thought everyone has had explosive squirts at work at least once in their adult life, I know I have.

    Oh, and first!!!

  2. 2009 June 16

    Do not steal Jeff’s underwear.

  3. 2009 June 16
    SeanInSac permalink

    Just got done reading today’s surf report, cereal milk?!! Come on Jeff you’re killin’ me!! That stuff is bomb diggity, as the kids say these day’s.

  4. 2009 June 16
    Docgreedo permalink

    Do not put Jeff in any situation where he may bend over. Doing so will require you to buy him a new pair of pants.

  5. 2009 June 16
    Mark permalink

    If you HAVE to bend over, Jeff does not want to see any butt-crack.

  6. 2009 June 16
    Mrs. L. Bangs permalink

    If you are a man, ask for a bar of soap before showering. Doesn’t matter if there is one already waiting in the shower or not. You don’t want Jeff to assume you are some sort of pussified man who uses Shower Gel instead of soap. He can smell weakness.

    If you are a man, smell like one. Don’t use any of those “gender neutral” deodorants. Use something manly, like Right Guard.

    Unless you were Born and Raised in Canada, do not know any/all the words to the Canada National Anthem.

  7. 2009 June 17
    Joe T. permalink

    Bring an assortment of Marie Callender’s pot pies for a thank you gift.

  8. 2009 June 17

    Call ahead … and show up on time.

    Let Jeff pick the music; anything you want to hear isn’t good enough.

  9. 2009 June 17
    2Tall permalink

    Always bring copious amounts of the golden elixir; the more arcane and high ABV the better. Do NOT comment on the presence of yard crullers. Do not wear a half-shirt.

  10. 2009 June 17
    kristin permalink

    Bring your own hot water bottle.

  11. 2009 June 17
    Linda permalink

    Bring Homodiscus candy and snack foods.

    Do not take a dump at Jeff’s house, or he will tell everyone your shit stinks.

  12. 2009 June 17
    tadpolegal permalink

    This is by far the best mockable yet!

    Don’t play with your private parts in public.

  13. 2009 June 17
    SuperMatt permalink

    Do not bring soy “meat” products or Benningan’s gift certificates…

  14. 2009 June 17
    hardoxdan permalink

    If you are female, and have not shaved you pits within the last 12 hours, be sure to wear a long sleeve shirt. Otherwise Jeff will post a notice on his website that you have hairy pits that wave in the wind.

  15. 2009 June 17
    Bob Dobbs permalink

    Bring food dishes based on garlic. In fact, Jeff will greet you with open arms if you wear a garlic necklace.

  16. 2009 June 17

    All female swimwear should not show any “beaver pelts”.

  17. 2009 June 17

    Sorry…I can’t stop laughing long enough to think of anything else…

  18. 2009 June 17
    Gretchen permalink

    Do not take him to a health club; he will see penises wagging menacingly at every turn.

  19. 2009 June 17
    Alan Langley permalink

    Muffin, I’m surprised you could remove your lips from Jay Gay’s butt cheeks long enough to write this slurp piece. If you kiss his ass any more, your breath is going to begin to smell like his shit!

    PS I love Dave Matthews Band and I have shat in an airport in every state in the USA!

    Very Truly Yours

    Alan P. Langley, CMM

    PS Jeff fantasizes about Nancy’s pit pelts – that is all

  20. 2009 June 17
    Willie Williams permalink

    Don’t expect to be having a can of Progresso for dinner or lunch.

  21. 2009 June 17
    strangeart permalink

    wow 20 posts? Do not mock moleskin journals while at the Kay residence.

  22. 2009 June 17
    Nezrite permalink

    Do not bring any Annie’s Homegrown Natural products to supplement your dining experience. In particular, avoid Annie’s Homegrown Organic Peace Pasta with Parmesan.

  23. 2009 June 17
    Knucklehead permalink

    Don’t hide your cookies in the bunker bookshelves.

  24. 2009 June 17
    JeffInDenver permalink

    DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, rub one out to the image of Johnny Depp in Time magazine.

  25. 2009 June 17
    Bill in PA permalink

    Exhibits allergies, especially to exercise.

  26. 2009 June 17
    Bill in PA permalink

    Don’t you know who I am?

  27. 2009 June 17
    kristin permalink

    if you do find yourself absolutely having to drop one in the downstairs toilet, please bring your own spoon.

  28. 2009 June 17
    Kath permalink

    Please do all teeth brushing/flossing in the bathroom, and certainly not in front of the tv…

  29. 2009 June 18

    Do not bogart the electricity.
    You cannot have 6 fans, 4 lights and an oxygen machine on in the fambly room.
    A fuse will blow and Jeff will give you a sharp look
    right before he whips his hands through his hair
    on his way to the fuse box.

  30. 2009 June 18
    Sponge permalink

    Do not talk to Jeff for the first ten years of your visit. After that only talk about your dogs.

  31. 2009 June 18

    I don’t get the Dave Matthews Band either. But I’ll tell you what… every time I pass a car with a Dave Matthews Band sticker on it a really cute 16-26 year old girl is at the wheel. He’s got that demographic locked up.

  32. 2009 June 18
    kristin permalink

    bring a donation to the PAS foundation for the cure.

  33. 2009 June 18

    Stop off at Five Guys and buy a sackfull of hot dogs and burgers and show up with them. And possibly, a side of beer nuts.

    Do NOT bring your kids, for they may be just as translucent as the “real” translucents, and will be mercilessly ridiculed until the end of time. Although I believe the real translucents to be a product of lead paint chips and poor judgement.

  34. 2009 June 22

    I’m pretty sure saying something unflattering/derogatory about the Cincinnati Reds and Johnny Bench will result in your death.

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