Stuff You Can’t Do if You Happen to be Invited to Jeff Kay’s House for Some Reason
There is at least one active series on the Travel Channel at all times that focuses on a list of social faux pas in a selected part of the world and how to avoid them. You know, stuff like: never shake hands with your left hand in the Middle East, never give a green hat to a Chinese man, never take your vagina outside while visiting Suriname, etc. I really believe that these folks would do us all a favor if they visited Jeff and Toney’s Bed and Breakfast and helped us all to learn how to navigate these dangerous waters without offending the natives.
Unfortunately, their worthless asses are in Australia right now. Apparently Pennsylvania in June isn’t exactly the tropical paradise they were looking for…so once again, it’s up to me. Armed with nothing more than years of experience as a fan of the Surf Report and my trusty laptop, I’ll do my best to give you the best tips and tactics to stay in good graces at Chez Kay.
1) Never go #2 in the downstairs toilet. (it is an unreliable agent)
2) Never express your love and admiration for:
- mass-produced domestic beer
- Sinbad, Robin Williams, Tim Allen, Martin Short or the Clinton Administration
- Hank Aaron, socialism, Interstate 81, communism and sugary cereal
3) Shave your legs and armpits (unless you’re a weightlifter…or a dude (I think) – in that case, don’t shave your legs and armpits)
4) Do your best to brush up on proper English before you head over to the Kay’s. Mispronunciations or improper use of the language will cause you to be the recipient of cruel mockery.
5) Eating – This is a big one
- Visitors to Jeff Kay’s house should eat slowly and deliberately at all times. Sudden moves or eating too quickly could result in death.
- Keep your mouth closed at all times, I am not sure how one is expected to actually get the food inside one’s mouth, but please remember that the slightest smacking sound could result in death.
- Before leaving for Jeff’s house, take some time to read and memorize the manufacturer’s recommended serving size on all condiments. Over-condimenting one’s food could result in death.
- In fact, you may want to carry a small digital scale and measuring tape to make sure that there isn’t a disproportionate amount of anything on your sandwhich.
- Regardless of how hot it might be, and regardless of how refreshed the cool glass of ice water makes you feel – DO NOT exhale loudly at the end of a long drink. This will be seen as an insult.
- Never hold your fork like a tennis racket. In fact, maybe it would be best if you just fasted throughout the trip. Basically, any of the routines of necessity that you have become accustomed to during your time on this planet (i.e., sleeping, eating, basic conversations) should be completed as quietly as possible with the appropriate amount of shame. After all, Jeff Kay is the Woody Allen of people.
6) Entertainment
- Intimate knowledge of the time that Rubén Sigüenza’s grandmother and Fast Floyd unsuccessfully tried to cut a blues record will be viewed with appreciation.
- Intimate knowledge of the Dave Matthews band will be viewed with the polar opposite of appreciation.
- Do your best to say complimentary things about all character actors with faces that look like scrotums that happen to find their way onto the Kay’s television.
Okay, I know I’m missing a few thousand things. Help me out in the comments will ya? I have no idea how these two things are related, but let’s teach that guy to think twice before he ever posts 15 random songs on the Internet again. What else would get you into trouble at the Kay house? Cranking up the window units and turning the basement into the frozen tundra? Leaving your “Lego” on the floor? What?
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Freaking hilarious!!! I love Ol’ JK but dear lord the man has some serious problems with very minor human foibles. Especially the whole, only shit in my own home thing. Granted public toilets are not anybody’s number one choice but I thought everyone has had explosive squirts at work at least once in their adult life, I know I have.
Oh, and first!!!
Do not steal Jeff’s underwear.
Just got done reading today’s surf report, cereal milk?!! Come on Jeff you’re killin’ me!! That stuff is bomb diggity, as the kids say these day’s.
Do not put Jeff in any situation where he may bend over. Doing so will require you to buy him a new pair of pants.
If you HAVE to bend over, Jeff does not want to see any butt-crack.
If you are a man, ask for a bar of soap before showering. Doesn’t matter if there is one already waiting in the shower or not. You don’t want Jeff to assume you are some sort of pussified man who uses Shower Gel instead of soap. He can smell weakness.
If you are a man, smell like one. Don’t use any of those “gender neutral” deodorants. Use something manly, like Right Guard.
Unless you were Born and Raised in Canada, do not know any/all the words to the Canada National Anthem.
Bring an assortment of Marie Callender’s pot pies for a thank you gift.
Call ahead … and show up on time.
Let Jeff pick the music; anything you want to hear isn’t good enough.
Always bring copious amounts of the golden elixir; the more arcane and high ABV the better. Do NOT comment on the presence of yard crullers. Do not wear a half-shirt.
Bring your own hot water bottle.
Bring Homodiscus candy and snack foods.
Do not take a dump at Jeff’s house, or he will tell everyone your shit stinks.
This is by far the best mockable yet!
Don’t play with your private parts in public.
Do not bring soy “meat” products or Benningan’s gift certificates…
If you are female, and have not shaved you pits within the last 12 hours, be sure to wear a long sleeve shirt. Otherwise Jeff will post a notice on his website that you have hairy pits that wave in the wind.
Bring food dishes based on garlic. In fact, Jeff will greet you with open arms if you wear a garlic necklace.
All female swimwear should not show any “beaver pelts”.
HAHAHAHA!
Sorry…I can’t stop laughing long enough to think of anything else…
Do not take him to a health club; he will see penises wagging menacingly at every turn.
Muffin, I’m surprised you could remove your lips from Jay Gay’s butt cheeks long enough to write this slurp piece. If you kiss his ass any more, your breath is going to begin to smell like his shit!
PS I love Dave Matthews Band and I have shat in an airport in every state in the USA!
Very Truly Yours
Alan P. Langley, CMM
PS Jeff fantasizes about Nancy’s pit pelts – that is all
Don’t expect to be having a can of Progresso for dinner or lunch.
wow 20 posts? Do not mock moleskin journals while at the Kay residence.
Do not bring any Annie’s Homegrown Natural products to supplement your dining experience. In particular, avoid Annie’s Homegrown Organic Peace Pasta with Parmesan.
Don’t hide your cookies in the bunker bookshelves.
DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, rub one out to the image of Johnny Depp in Time magazine.
Exhibits allergies, especially to exercise.
MODERATION?
Don’t you know who I am?
if you do find yourself absolutely having to drop one in the downstairs toilet, please bring your own spoon.
Please do all teeth brushing/flossing in the bathroom, and certainly not in front of the tv…
Do not bogart the electricity.
You cannot have 6 fans, 4 lights and an oxygen machine on in the fambly room.
A fuse will blow and Jeff will give you a sharp look
right before he whips his hands through his hair
on his way to the fuse box.
Do not talk to Jeff for the first ten years of your visit. After that only talk about your dogs.
I don’t get the Dave Matthews Band either. But I’ll tell you what… every time I pass a car with a Dave Matthews Band sticker on it a really cute 16-26 year old girl is at the wheel. He’s got that demographic locked up.
bring a donation to the PAS foundation for the cure.
Stop off at Five Guys and buy a sackfull of hot dogs and burgers and show up with them. And possibly, a side of beer nuts.
Do NOT bring your kids, for they may be just as translucent as the “real” translucents, and will be mercilessly ridiculed until the end of time. Although I believe the real translucents to be a product of lead paint chips and poor judgement.
I’m pretty sure saying something unflattering/derogatory about the Cincinnati Reds and Johnny Bench will result in your death.