The First 17 Pages of the New Issue of Rolling Stone
I carried a subscription to Rolling Stone magazine for twenty years or more, starting in my mid-teens. I liked it for a long time, but eventually lost interest.
Recently I decided to give it another shot, and bought a three-year subscription through eBay, for something like six bucks – and that’s not a joke.
What follows is Part 1 of my recap of the latest issue received…
page 1 RS calls their cover page 1, which doesn’t seem quite right to me. But whatever. This one features a photo of Bob Dylan, who now looks like a peach pit with a Mexican bellhop mustache.
pages 2-3 ADVERTISEMENT for KIA Motors. The vehicle pictured is babyshit green, and is like something a high school girl who reads Nietzsche would drive.
page 4 ADVERTISEMENT for Bacardi Dragon Berry, “strawberry rum infused with dragonfruit.” Fuel for Nerds Gone Wild?
page 5 Table of contents, part 1, along with a blurb about the real-life Spinal Tap: Canadian heavy-metalers Anvil.
page 6 Table of contents, part 2, along with a rundown of what’s being featured at the RS website. There’s a small picture of the Mantico Peach Pit again, in the bottom left corner.
page 7 ADVERTISEMENT for a Gillette razor that informs you when the blades have gone dull. You know, in case you can’t tell by your exposed jawbone, and all the blood… so much blood.
page 8 Editor’s Notes, and the magazine’s masthead — which still lists Hunter S. Thompson, even though he died in 2005. At the bottom it says, “Rolling Stone is printed on 100 percent carbon neutral paper.” Nice words that probably mean next to nothing…
page 9 ADVERTISEMENT for Ray-Ban sunglasses, featuring a close-up photograph of some smug prick wearing Ray-Ban sunglasses.
page 10 Letters to the Editor. Here’s a quote from one: “The Kris Kristofferson article by Ethan Hawke is one of the most insightful pieces ever published in RS.” That’s true, but I think I actually prefer the one about Bobby Goldsboro, by Wink Martindale.
page 11 ADVERTISEMENT for contact lenses, featuring a pretty boy with woman eyes. The dude needs to use the razor from page 7, and knock that smug look off his face. What’s with all the smugness?
page 12 ADVERTISEMENT for Altoids Smalls. The headline says, “You, seat 3A. Your boss, seat 3B.” But thankfully you came prepared, and know Altoids Smalls will completely mask the smell of corndogs and semen.
page 13 A page of short news pieces, under the heading Rock & Roll. There’s a large photo of Paul McCartney onstage, twisting his body all the way to the right, and possibly suffering from lockjaw. Perhaps he cut himself on a rusty fence? I just don’t know.
page 14 The short news pieces continued… Also, something called Hot List, which suggests I check out new songs by Eminem and Iggy Pop, a Wilco DVD, and some other crap I’ve never heard of, and don’t care about.
page 15 ADVERTISEMENT for a new hybrid vehicle called, I think, the EmptiSac by Honda.
page 16 A collection of photos from the Coachella Music Festival, one featuring a man riding an inflatable raft across a sea of shitbags. The skipper of this ship looks like one of the guys who left my high school half-day, to attend air conditioning/refrigeration classes across town.
page 17 An article beneath the headline, “Black Eyed Peas Hit Top With Electro Jam.” I (sorta) know what all those words mean individually, but when you run ’em together, it starts getting a little foggy… Luckily, I don’t give a damn about any of it, and can easily move on.
Next time I’ll journey deeper (even deeper!) into this issue of Rolling Stone, so don’t touch that dial.
And here’s you link!
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Can you wipe your ass with Rolling Stone, at least? Or can it not even pull that simple function off smooooothly?
I gave up on RS shortly after the Hunter Thompson era. Which would have been, if memory serves, sometime in the early 70’s. Around the time of my distinguished military career. My daughter (now 35) got one of those e-bay subscriptions several years ago due to a couple Stevie Nicks covers. She never did grasp the fact that the “singer” in question almost singlehandedly (single goat-voicedly?)ruined what started out as a passable blues band. As a side note, I got a DUI in Virginia about ’75 after leaving a Hunter Thompson speaking engagement at a rock&roll expo in downtown Washington DC.
Is that the magazine with Goofus and Gallant?
“Your boss, seat 3B.” But thankfully you came prepared, and know Altoids Smalls will completely mask the smell of corndogs and semen.”
Classic JK. Yes, I laughed out loud. Good thing I’m working alone today.
And even though I’m an insanely loyal Bob Dylan fan, those are some damn funny observations.
I also gave up on Rolling Stone years ago. Don’t like to be hammered over the head with a political agenda. No mkatter what the subject, every article seems to have an agenda. Music coverage is crap. Most of the acts they choose to showcase are for 12 year old girls or for folks who enjoy eating paste.
If you want to read some real music mags that cover what adult fans dig try Mojo, Uncut or Classic Rock. All British magazines. The only US music magazine I read on a regular basis is The Big Takeover.
I thought Uncut was an, ahem, specialist magazine for the gay man.
I quite enjoy Rolling Stone, although since I’m not a marginalized fundamentalist the political slant doesn’t bother me.
I would read Mojo and Q etc if I wanted to read the same interview with Eric Clapton for the 100th time.
Disclosure – I do quite like the Uncut CDs – the music ones, not the ones featuring unmutilated genitals.