The First Man and First Woman, Just Sitting Around Talking
A few days ago, while driving to work, I started thinking about the first man and woman on Earth, and the bits of conversation they might’ve had before the world’s first sex act was performed. It had to be an awkward and confusing time, right? Wow!
Let’s call them Buddy and Holly, there’s no need to bring religion or seriousness into it, and imagine some of the things they could’ve said to each other during the run-up to The Very First Time.
I’ll offer two or three exchanges, and maybe you guys can take it from there? Let’s get started, shall we?
Buddy: Watch this, Holly.
Holly: I don’t like the looks of that thing.
Buddy: Just wait.
Holly: Oh, my God! What’s happening?
Buddy: See what it does?
Holly: Will it just keep on going? Should I open a window?
Buddy: What’s the matter? You seem down.
Holly: I’m depressed.
Buddy: Why?
Holly: Well, you have that… that thing, that does all kinds of neat tricks, and I don’t.
Buddy: But you have those. They’re really cool.
Holly: You think? …My God Buddy! Can you leave it alone for five minutes? Now is not the time!
Holly: You want to do what?! You can’t be serious?
Buddy: C’mon, it might be fun.
Holly: What’s your obsession with wanting to put it everywhere?
What else would Buddy and Holly say to each other, during the early days? Use the comments link below, to record your best guesses.
And thanks for reading!
Loading ...
Sounds like some of the conversations I have now and we’ve done it like maybe 3 or 4 thousand times.
Buddy: What, do you have another headache?
Holly: That won’t be happening here buddy!
“Should I open a window?”
I like how they’ve built a house with windows before getting around to figuring out banging.
Buddy : Check it out!!!!
Holly : Sweet! A new paper towel holder!!!
Buddy: Pull my finger!
Holly: Grow up!
Buddy: Oh! Let’s see if it fits in here!
Holly: OWW, Buddy! That hurts! Exit only! Exit only!!
Holly: It looks weird. Maybe we should trim the excess skin from the end of it.
Buddy: WHAT?
Holly: Come on. Let me get a sharp rock and trim the excess skin off the end.
Buddy: If I let you will you let me shave you down there? You’re a Sascrotch.
Holly: You’re sleeping in another cave tonight, douche.
Buddy: I’ll lay on my back and you can get on top of me in the opposite direction. Then you can put mine in your mouth and I can lick you at the same time. We’ll call it 23 or something.
Holly: 23? Why 23? That doesn’t even make sense.
Buddy: Holly, come quick. Something is wrong. I was pulling on it and I nearly passed out. Now look at this!
Holly: WTF is that? Snot? Are you okay?
Buddy: I don’t know. I feel light headed and tired.
Holly: Gross!
Holly: Why’d I have to get stuck with you? Surely there are other peoples out there somewhere. Other men that have bigger thingys and who can last more than a few seconds before making a mess of things.
Buddy: Why’d I have to get stuck with you? You’re so frigid that whenever you spread your legs the heater kicks in.
Holly: Fuck you.
Buddy: I found a cucumber in the bathroom. Looked like it was covered in lotion. Know anything about that?
Holly: (silence)
Buddy: (silence)
Holly: Ok that’s impressive, but what is it for?
Afterwards:
Buddy: Wow! That was amazing
Holly: Really? I think we did something wrong, because I just didn’t get “wow” out of that at all.
Buddy…”Ha, ha, ha,…you don’t have one of these”.
Holly…”Well…I know as long as one of these… I can have all of those I want”.
Buddy…”I want you in the worst way”.
Holly…”The worst way I can think of is standing up in a hammock”.
Buddy: If it weren’t for that little pink hole you’d have a bounty on your head, bitch.
Buddy…”This is so romantic. It’s like being in paradise”.
Holly…”Yes it is. Here…have an apple”.
you guys finally found something that everyone got really into…SEX!! How ’bout that?
Buddy: Come on Holly–let me stick it in there…
Holly: NO! IT HURTS!!
((sound in distance BAAAAAAAA!!!!!)))
Buddy: Never mind Holly, I’ll be back later.
“I wouldn’t do that with you if you were the first man on Earth! Wait…what?”