The Mockablest in Women’s Fashion

In 2007 I wrote this:

“I am pretty sure that every industry has at least one product per generation that is the result of a dare. You know, something like:

“Hey fellow high-fashion eyewear industry executive?”

“Yeah Dawg?”

“I bet you can’t get women in Montana to walk around in public wearing enormous goggles.”

“You’re on, bitch!”

Man, do I hate those sunglasses that women are wearing nowadays. Ladies – no matter how attractive you happen to be, when you’re wearing these $138 sunglasses every heterosexual man within a 30 mile radius and I are thinking about this man. Please believe me, you are not doing yourself any favors.

There have to be a million examples of dare-related fads. Here are a few more of my guesses:

If you’re really, really hot and you just want to go to the mall without desperate erection-plagued men showering you with gifts and marriage proposals every step of the way, you should wear one of these. It’s absolutely guaranteed to drive away all but the most perverted among sexual sociopaths…the guy who makes lewd suggestions to pregnant chicks. That’s right – you can feel free to trollop from one mini-station of capitalism to another disguised as a woman who is seven months pregnant…and has terrible taste in clothes. Now there’s nothing wrong with pregnancy. I’ve witnessed the glow of pregnancy emitting from more than one female in my day. Pregnant women can be extremely attractive. However, I have never heard a woman say, “Oh God, I just wish I looked like I did when I was pregnant!” Except of course when they verbalized the equivalent of this expression, “I love this fucking baby doll top!” at the mall the other day.”

Unfortunately, ladies are still wearing this crap every day.  Those glasses still really piss me off.  More than once I have had to literally restrain myself from yelling, “OH MY GOD YOU LOOK SO FUCKING STUPID!!  YOU WOULD BE HOT IF YOU WOULD JUST TAKE OFF THE FUCKING GLASSES AND GIVE THEM BACK TO THE DEAD, DRUNKEN, LEGENDARY SPORTSCASTER!”

To be very honest, I was sure that there was no way that it could get worse.  I mean what were they going to do?  Bring back leg warmers?  Make men start wearing wigs again like the eighteenth century? Jogging in a kilt?

Guess what kids?  It got worse.  Ironically, I was at the airport when I first saw it.  It was an attractive young suburbanite, walking quickly and agressively toward her gate, wearing those big rediculous goggles with something flowing majestically behind her.  I rubbed my eyes as I wondered if Amelia Earhart had somehow been resurrected to fly the redeye to Vegas. I looked over at my wife and asked, “Really?  You’re serious?  A scarf in August?  This is what you people wear now?”  Apparently, the answer is yes.  I am sitting next to my sister, who only yesterday was standing on a busy street in Manhattan.  She reports that it was 75 degrees and she was surrounded by scarves.  I felt a chill as she explained the scene.  It was as though she was somehow magically transported to a convention of old timey movie villians.  There’s no denying it, the height of women’s fashion at the moment seems to be giant rediculous scarves. Man, you guys are gullible.

I honestly believe that this is nothing less than the largest single fashion-related dare in the history of mass-consumerism:

“Hey fellow high-fashion  industry executive?”

“Yeah Dawg?”

“I bet you can’t get women in Montana to pay us thousands of dollars to make them walk around in full 1940’s flight suits complete with the silly little caps, goggles and scarves.”

“Hmn…I may have to do this piece-by-piece over a period of years…but you’re on, bitch!”