The Mystery of Target Store #346

2009 August 4
by mockers

targetFreak accidents are, by definition, quite rare.  After all, they wouldn’t be freakish if they happened every day, right?  However, there’s a place in Georgia that seems to attract them like no other.  It’s Target store #346, in the town of Stone Mountain: America’s freak accident epicenter.

Below is a list of strange occurrences which have led to serious injury or death, during the first quarter of this calendar year alone.  Many additional accidents happened previous to that time period, as well as after, but space restraints make it necessary to limit the scope of this article.

Nobody knows why the store is prone to so many bizarre happenings, and weird injuries.  It’s been investigated, observed, and even visited by a team of ghost hunters.  But nobody can explain… the mystery of Target store #346.

January 3 A 37 year old small business owner got a package of Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs snagged on the corner of a metal shelf, the waistband hyper-elongated, snapped back, and completely destroyed a section of his carotid artery.  The man died in an ambulance with a square of paper reading “Inspected by 47” where his right eye used to be.

January 28 An elderly customer died instantly when her oxygen tank exploded in the picture frame aisle.  After the smoke cleared there was nothing but a wheelchair with a set of legs strapped to it.  Firefighters later recovered a hand holding a brass tri-fold 5×7 frame, near the Valentine’s Day candy.  But that’s all the family had to bury.

February 17 A woman lost control of her car in the parking lot, crashed into the building traveling at approximately 40 mph, and turned a display of Secret antiperspirant into a “virtual Gatling gun,” according to authorities.  Four customers were admitted to a local hospital with broken bones and trauma, and a cashier in electronics was pronounced dead at the scene with a stick of deodorant literally inside his heart.

March 11 A 17 year old high school honor student was found dead in the garden center with a “handball-sized tulip bulb” wedged deep in his esophagus.  The investigation is still open, with few clues or leads.

March 12 The very next day a 23 year old graduate student was discovered inside a display tent in sporting goods, with an entire pair of Wrangler jeans inside his windpipe.  Once again, there is no explanation.

March 18 A strange “tornado-like occurrence” in the greeting cards department led to several injuries, and a hospital visit for two customers.  A 39 year old housewife was slashed multiple times by an airborne photo of a basset hound dressed as a judge.  “It kept coming around again, moving in a big circle, attacking me, and cutting me.  It was terrifying!” she told a newspaper reporter.

March 21 A 32 year old human resources professional apparently slipped on a raisin dropped by a baby, and somehow ended up “vacuum-sealed” inside several display-model shower curtains.  Authorities later said the victim appeared to have “rolled and rolled and rolled,” and were baffled by the fact that she was wrapped in several curtains.

Please check back often for updates.  Mockable will continue to bring you news from Stone Mountain, GA, and the bizarre happenings… inside Target store #346.

4 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 August 4

    First again.. This would never happen at The WVSR!

    Was this inspired by they guy that super-glued his ass to the toilet seat in Home Depot? or was it Wal-mart? Anywho.

  2. 2009 August 4

    Scary, I have shopped in that target when I lived in Stone Mountain. Never saw no weird shit like that though. Excellent mock, I almost believed it until the guy in the sporting goods with the wranglers in his throat, do you know how hard denim is to swallow?

  3. 2009 August 4
    WVULauren permalink

    Jeff – Have you done any research to find out of this particular Target is owned by “The Store” Corporation?

  4. 2009 August 5

    You forgot February 23: A woman in her late 30’s wandered into the Kitchenware department and was attacked by several suspicious males who were disguised as “clerks from Kitchenware”. The woman was not available for comment, but sources close to the victim said that she was satisfied and plans on visiting that section of Target #346 again.

Leave a Reply

Note: You can use basic XHTML in your comments. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS