The New Issue of Rolling Stone: pages 18 thru 30

2009 May 7
by mockers

absolutcitronFollowing is Part 2 of our page-by-page journey into the latest issue of Rolling Stone magazine, which began here.

page 18 An article about Phil Spector’s murder conviction, with a photograph of the crackpot looking like a Simpsons character come to life.  I think he’d better start preparing his rectum now, with cucumbers, sweet potatoes, and possibly a head of Bibb lettuce.

page 19 ADVERTISEMENT for a Schick razor, featuring four titanium-coated blades.  Man, that sounds like a hell of a lot of sharp.  Four?  I hope they’re all pointing in the same direction, at least?

pages 20-21 ADVERTISEMENT for a Hard Rock Cafe-sponsored music festival and tour.  Featured will be the Killers, the Kooks, and the Pretenders.  Sounds like a meeting of the U.N. Security Council.

page 22 An article about a new John Lennon exhibit at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, focusing on his years in New York City.  I hear it’s pretty good, but the ending needs some work.

page 23 An article about Cat Stevens, now known as Yusuf Islam.  Or, as his friends call him, “Gasworks.”

page 24 An article about a band called Airborne Toxic Event.  Never heard of them, but they look mopey — like a group of kids who aren’t being allowed to have Toaster Strudel for dinner.

page 25 Artsy ADVERTISEMENT for Absolut Citron Vodka, which resembles a lemon stuffed inside a vagina.  Oh, wait…  Is that Phil Spector preparing already?  I’m unclear.

page 26 An article about Eric Church, a “recession-era country star.”  I’m sorry, but (once again) I’m unfamiliar.  The dude looks like someone who uses terms like “glasspack,” and “lift-kit.”

page 27 ADVERTISEMENT for Bridgestone tires.  “It’s Bridgestone or nothing,” they say.  Thanks, but I’ll go with the latter; I believe I’ll stick with “nothing.”

page 28 A short interview with Ben Harper.  At least I’ve heard of him…  But I’m not interested enough to read his irrelevant answers to their irrelevant questions.  Call me a radical, if you must.

page 29 ADVERTISEMENT for Ice Breakers Sours, featuring a woman dressed in an American flag dress, surrounded by fruit and ice.  I’ve had those things before, and they completely shredded the inside of my mouth; after the second one it felt like someone sneaked-up on me while I was sleeping, inserted a weed-whacker in my mouth, and hit the trigger.  And I can’t have that.

page 30 ADVERTISEMENT for DiGiorno Flatbread Melts. Looks damn good to me…  It’s all melty, and cheesy.  Mmmm…  With all kinds of peppers and hunks of chicken… Hey, something funny’s happening to my wiener!

And we’ll continue this harrowing journey soon.  Only 55 pages to go…

3 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 May 7

    Yes yes, very tasty. The melts, not your wiener.

  2. 2009 May 8
    Drug Delivery Guy permalink

    Ah yes, Jeff was meant for mocking.

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