The Perfect Woman

2009 May 1
by mockers

When I was a very young man I spent a sizeable portion of my day thinking about the perfect woman.  In these early stages, she was a pretty girl with big boobs that liked football and hated mushy gushy girl stuff.  You know, like Darlene on Roseannebut with bigger boobs…and less gay.


Right, boobs out to there...and less gay...

  As I eased into adolescence  I spent even more time considering this perfect woman.  In my spare time I considered my older sister’s friends, random women at the grocery store and occasionally the fat girl that sat in front of me during algebra. Oh, I considered ’em real good…

Unfortunately, none of them were the perfect woman.  By this point in my life she was still pretty.  She still had big boobs, but by now she was a social smoker who smelled like Deb Shops, Inc and was willing to “do stuff” that other, less perfect women wouldn’t do.  It was about this time that I realized it was also awesome when a cute girl kissed another cute girl.  So now I was pretty much looking for Kelly from Married with children…only slightly more gay.


Shut up! Everybody wanted Kelly! Who were you into, Marsha Brady?

I finished high school and headed off to the University of the Suburbs of Chicago in Iowa City and learned that the pretty-big-boobed-social-smoking-slutty-fake-gay-but-cute-gay gay girl had been shipped in from Naperville by the truckload.  They were like roaches…roaches with trust funds and bad accents…that weren’t attracted to me.  The perfect woman was no longer good enough…she had to evolve. 

At this point the perfect woman had become a pretty girl with giant boobs who still smelled like Deb Shops, Inc.  She was rich enough to support my lifestyle.  She knew how to party and was able to keep up with me during a night of drinking.  She was also willing to do all sorts of new and interesting stuff that I had seen in the primitive version of internet porn that was available at the time.  She was also completely willing at any and all times to make out with other girls. 

I never found this woman, but continued to search for her.  Several years later I saw a picture of a woman that met all of the criteria listed above:

Get used to disappointment

                            Lohan?  Get Used to Disappointment

Nowadays the perfect woman has regular boobs, rarely drinks, never smokes and hits me whenever I suggest that she might enjoy kissing another girl.  She does, however, teach my children how to read while I make fun of people anonymously over the internet…so I got that going for me.

7 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 May 1
    tadpolegal permalink

    Someone must have forgotton an anniversary or birthday!

  2. 2009 May 1
    metten permalink

    Actually no. She doesn’t read anything I write and if she did, she would be mad for the following reasons:
    1)I mentioned her boobs on the internet
    2)I mentioned how much I enjoy other people’s boobs on the internet
    3)We were dating the entire time I was drooling over Napervillians in Iowa City

    There’s probably even more reasons I can’t think of, but it’s probably best if we keep this one to ourselves.

  3. 2009 May 1
    Melissa permalink

    -Here I am, a chick and even I know what kind of girl you were looking for. I think all of us semi-straight girls were also looking to party, let loose our inner-gay and hope the boobs catch up.
    Now I’m married and never get asked to make out with a chick. Oh well. I doubt my boobs could hold up to the competition anyhow.

  4. 2009 May 1
    hardoxdan permalink

    Your requirements were very similar to mine at that age, excellent description.
    I actually hooked up with three girls that came close to meeting all criteria during college years.

    First, blond, blue eyes, really built maybe 5’4″ 110 lbs. Fun and easy going. Loved to F***
    But, IQ about 60, and got mean on alcohol. She got really pissed at me once because I laughed when she asked me how long it would take to drive to Hawaii (from WVa.). She is still hot today but divorced 3 times, 2 kids, and is a waitress at a shitty bar.

    Second, brunette, smart, cute. Built nice, 8 on the 10 scale. Liked to F***
    Would date me 2 weeks, dump me for another guy, date me 2 weeks, dump me again. Went on/off like this too long. Saw her recently at age 44, someone has inflated her butt. Married 20 years, 3 kids.

    Third, 5’8″ tall, thin porcelain skin and black hair. Fantastic knockers, ass, and great legs. Beautiful face. Should have been a model. Would F*** but didn’t love it. This one was probably the keeper, but she had a lisp and I could not get over it. Ran into her at a wedding a couple years ago. She still looks 20 years old and is still friggin built. Has 2 kids and just got divorced from guy number 4. Maybe those guys could not get over the lisp either.

  5. 2009 May 1
    Taiwan On permalink

    For a site that is named “mockable” dot something or other, how about this idea. Mock something. I know that you have blown through the easy mocks (read Madonna), but now is the time to put your pants on and get down to some serious mocking. That was the funny bit that launched this whole charade.

  6. 2009 May 1
    metten permalink

    @Taiwan on – You’re not from Naperville are you?

  7. 2009 May 6
    Leon permalink

    #1 rule for high school guys:
    If she smokes, she fucks.

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