The Silly Sock Person at Work is Dangerous

My hatred of clowns is well-documented. In my experience, most people who hate clowns are afraid of them based on some unpleasant experience they had as a child. This is not the case for me. My parents did a lot of things wrong, but they never did that to me.

For me, it’s the same reason I wouldn’t allow my kids to play for a sports coach who didn’t have a kid on the team. It’s the same reason I wouldn’t allow my children to buy ice cream from the neighborhood ice cream truck. It’s the same reason my children were never left alone with a youth minister. In short, if you need to undertake some extensive special effort to gain the respect and trust of a child, (for example, covering yourself with brightly colored makeup and wearing a wig and giant shoes while carrying candy in your huge, ridiculous pockets), there’s a high probability that your stated intentions of “bringing joy to kids” is a front for something sinister. If you’re a clown, fine…do your thing…but stay the hell away from people I love. I am not afraid of you and I will rip off that red nose and force you to swallow it.

In fact, I feel the same about almost all attention-seeking behavior that doesn’t provide income or doesn’t take a tremendous amount of dedication and practice. Case in point, the person at work who is known for always wearing goofy socks. The rest of them is dressed appropriately for a business environment, but the first thing they do when they walk into work is to hoist their foot up on a chair, hike up their pants, and reveal bright orange socks that feature little graphic designs of a kitten riding on top of a winged toaster. People in the office gasp and go running toward them every morning to see the “sock of the day”. If you ask them why they undertake this mockable daily routine, they always smile and say something like, “I just like to bring harmless fun/levity to the office. If I can brighten someone’s day, it’s worth looking a little silly.” Bullshit.

I have worked with goofy sock dude twice. Both times, the person was a narcissistic, socially awkward psycho. They were both impossible to work with. Otherwise, they had nothing in common. Race, age, background, the industry we were working in…all different. Yet they both wore goofy socks every day and they were both the same kind of asshole.

Why? I have a theory. According to a 1992 study, there is a strong relationship between perceived maternal rejection and negative attention-seeking classroom behavior (Saxena, 1992). So Mommy didn’t love them, and they grew up to be an intolerable jackass that makes hard-working people’s life miserable. The only catharsis they can find is in the joyful gasp of other office losers who just can’t wait for that day’s goofy sock reveal.

Next time, do me a favor. Instead of happily inspecting a coworker’s feet, instead of sending them links to the goofy sock store and encouraging their dangerous behavior, print out this article and anonymously put it on their desk.  You might just save a hard-working office mate from years of abuse at the hands of an idiot wearing neon blue Count Chocula socks.

Citation

Saxena, V. (1992). Perceived maternal rejection as related to negative attention-seeking classroom behaviour among primary school children. Journal of Personality and Clinical Studies, 8(1-2), 129–135.