The Tattoo Review Board
For some reason this year I seem to have spent an unusually large amount of time at amusement parks. I suppose this is okay because I generally like roller coasters as well as throwing my arms in the air and screaming, “whee!” or something similar.
Unfortunately, a very minuscule amount of time is actually spent in the 75-mile-per-hour-five-story drop that allows for said “whee screaming circumstances”. Most of one’s time at the amusement park is either 1) spent walking a tremendous distance or 2) standing in line judging people based on their appearance. While my kids were riding The Flying Dutchman toward the end of our most recent trip I looked up at my wife and said, “You know, amusement parks really are like strip clubs. All the hustling and bullshit make the few seconds of fun completely unfulfilling.”
To this she replied, “What the fuck are you talking about? And why are you looking for fulfillment at a strip club?” I explained to her that while I had only been to strip clubs on a handful of occasions, it had always been the same. The hassle of drink minimums, ‘roided out bouncers praying for a reason to cave your head in and the ugly girl that bugs you for a dance every three seconds make the very short moment in time that you get to touch the really hot girl with the expensive implants’ boobs not really all that worth it. Standing here in line, looking at all these bad teeth and horrible tattoos in exchange for just 20 seconds of a thrill ride just made me remember the hassle of the strip club.
To this she responded, “That’s really deep…and you’re a shitbag.” We both nodded in silence because this was hardly new information. Fortunately it gave me something to do as I walked from ride to ride. I began to look at the rides and try to figure out which girl in the club each ride represented. For example, the new roller coaster that the park had been promoting heavily all Spring was the pretty farm girl who just came to the big city and was not yet bitter, disallusioned and coked out of her mind. The slightly older roller coaster that the park had been promoting heavily last Spring was the girl that was still hot, but she was now bitter, disallusioned and coked out of her mind. By contrast we have the Octopus: This is the ride that showed up when the place opened because the owner was her uncle. She’s old, often in disrepair, her paint’s peeling and before getting on, one often wonders if this is the time that the thing will finally fall apart and send them careening into the “Dip ‘n Dots” booth that’s been the “ice cream of the future” for about 20 years. Feel free to add your own in the comments, you non-commenting sons-a-bitches.
As soon as I was bored with this I started examining strangers again. It got to the point that I was no longer asking myself whether or not the person had a tattoo, because they all did. Instead I was timing myself to see how long it would take me to find their tattoo and I started assigning points to each tattoo on my own personal dumbass scale. See, I’ve got nothing against tattoos. In fact, I think they’re kind of cool – but you’ve gotta be original about it and it’s got to be part of an entire “cool” facade. Otherwise it’s like putting suspenders on Arthur Fonzarelli. At the end of the day, the “dumbass” scores were exponentially higher than the “cool” scores. I hypothesized that “cool” people naturally avoid circumstances that cause them to throw their hands in the air and scream “whee”.
After a while I found myself wishing that the Obama administration do something about all the terrible tattoos. I immediately stepped back and looked to the sky in epiphany.
“That’s it! The Federal Tattoo Review Board!” I yelled to no one in particular. My family, as well as a family dressed in University of Wisconsin gear stopped and stared at me like I was a mental patient off his meds. “Can’t you see? The federal government could appoint a board of certified cool people that would review and consider applications for new tattoos! They’d okay everything that is appropriate and assess fines for tattoos that aren’t. It’s genius! For example, girls could still get Chinese characters that they don’t understand on the small of their back, (the ones that force them to trust the artist that they really say what s/he says they do) but if they insist on this type of ink, they would have to get the word ‘slut’ tattooed on the thumb-side of their right index finger so while they’re on their knees and their right hand is wrapped around something naughty, it will be constantly calling them a slut! See…the Tattoo Review Board could finally give me the justice that I’ve longed for through so many amusement park trips!”
“Okay…kids, Daddy needs some alone time again. Let’s go ride the teacups while he sits down for a while.” They slowly backed away from me, turned around and walked briskly toward the short line in front of the teacups.”
“Be careful!” I yelled. “The teacups got kicked out of a club in Chicago after they caught syphilis one too many times! They’re just trying to reinvent themselves and they’ll say anything you want to hear just to get your money!”
EPILOGUE: I went home and found some legislation that established a “Police Review Board” and did a search and replace to change “police” to “tattoo”. What do you think?
CITIZENS TATTOO REVIEW BOARD
Sec. 21-44. Purpose.
The purpose of this article is to provide a fair and objective process for review of actual or perceived Tattoo misconduct thereby increasing Tattoo accountability to the community and community trust in the Tattoo.
Sec. 21-45. Definitions and rule of construction.
The following definitions and rules of construction apply to this article:
“Board,” when not otherwise specified, means the citizens Tattoo review board.
“Complainant” means a person who files a complaint with the Tattoo department against a Tattoo officer.
“Complaint” means a written statement alleging non-criminal misconduct of a Tattoo officer involving interaction with the public.
“Tattoo officer” and “officer” means a commissioned tattoo enforcement officer, other than the chief of Tattoo, who has the power of arrest and who serves in the Pretendtown Tattoo department.
Sec. 21-46. Establishment; membership; qualifications; terms; and removal.
(a) The citizens Tattoo review board is hereby established.
(b) The board shall consist of eight (8) members appointed by the city council and a member of the commission on human rights appointed by the commission. Members shall serve without compensation.
(c) Board members must be residents of Pretendtown and registered voters. Board members may not be employed by the city, be a party to any pending litigation against the city, be an elected public office holder, or be a candidate for elected public office. Board members should reflect the cultural and racial diversity of Pretendtown and should be of good moral character have no serious criminal record. The Tattoo chief shall obtain a criminal history of all applicants for membership on the board and advise the city council of any convictions for violations of federal, state or local law…
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Woman + tattoo = a nasty shame. There are no exceptions. It is NOT an enhancement.
Now that I’ve reached my (ahem) mid-fifities, I am considering joining the tattoo world. I just can’t decide…something colorful utilizing the age spots and wrinkles on my chest just above my saggy left tit or something discreet on my right hip that will enhance the pasty white of my rippled, lumpy butt. Should I give the tatoo arteest an extra large tip for being subjected to sights he might not forget for a long time? Such a quandary.
No matter what the tattoo says or is, they all mean the same thing: white trash
I refuse to serve on the board without compensation.
And Limey – seriously??? What century and/or Amish county are you living in?
I agree with Limey.
Wow – how incredibly judgmental. I have tats, love them and I’m not white trash. So there.
I won’t go so far as to say they’re white-trash material, but they do tread the line. I don’t understand the appeal or desire for permanently inking any marking on my body what-so-ever. I think I can remember dead relatives enough to not have their names/faces/symbols etched on my arm & I certainly don’t need flowers or celebrities drawn on me for eternity.
To each his own, but yeah, they are reeeeaaallly close to hickville.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of a butt with a butt shaped tattoo on it and I’m gonna get it right on my butt, huh huh, huh huh.
kristin – I live in the 21st Century (don’t we all, or am I missing something?) and the Amish are mainly in the next county over to me. They *really* shun me because I am, literally, The English.
Um, since when is body art offensive? I agree some are really lame and trashy. But there are those of us that have tattoos with MEANING to us that are well placed. Just sayin’.
Just because all white trash have tattoos, it doesn’t mean that all tattoos are on white trash. Such as NBA players most of those fellers ain’t even white so their hardly white trash. Also I’ve seen video of Knuckleheads kitchen and it sure ain’t no doublewide so I would have to agree she’s not white trash. Then you have all the people with more time and money on their hands than they know what to do with and enter into a midlife crisis so they buy a Harley and head straight to the tattoo parlor, their not white trash they just want to pretend to be white trash so they don’t get thumped at the biker rallys.
Disclaimer: Author does not currently have a tattoo.
I’ve changed my mind.
If someone was to get the correct usage of their/there tattooed onto their hand as a reminder I’d be all for it.
Limey,
I believe what you’re looking for is “they’re”, in this particular instance. I could be wrong. I agree that tattoos on women are never enhancements. Some women think they are, most (read none) don’t give a shit about my opinion, but it is what it is. I don’t have any. And I’ve had Harleys for well over 30 years. You wouldn’t have that art(?) on your wall, but you put it on your skin? And what tribe (see: tribal tattoo) was it your from, whitebread?
If I completely botched their and they’re I apologize. Off to grammer dot com to check
Yep, completely botched. Sorry Mr. Veit!
Tattoo’s are fine on boys and girls of any color. It’s hard to understand why folks would object.
Their you go.
my caveat with tattoos is the neck tattoo, or the memorial name tattoo. not necessary, your body is not a gravesite. unless you are talking about the crab massacre of ought 2.
as for tattoos,i only have one. it’s on my dick. and it’s of a bigger dick.
Regardless of where you come down on the debate here, I think we can all agree that there are quite a few morons that get really bad tattoos. I believe that this well crafted mock was referring to those morons and not the other morons that some of you are talking about with nice looking tattoos. I feel the need to point this out because all of the comments really missed the point/humor of this particularly well done mocking.
Theirs nothing wrong wif tattoos as long as there not on a body part that can’t be covered when your at work. Some tattoos are just to much information for my taste, and when you bend over to pick up something of the floor, I don’t knead to see you’re tramp stamp. The amount of people out there with bad, ugly, inacurate tattoos is stoopendous.
@t-storm: effin’ funny.
@brown walker: Yes, it was indeed a worthy mock.
Brynhilder,
Thanks for setting my grammar straight!
WB
I see people covered with tattoos everyday. I use to say that it was due to the fact that I live in a college town, but I seems like every where I go people have tattoos now a days. I have noticed people of all ages seem to be getting tattoos now, not just young people.
I like it due to the fact that I don’t stick out as much as I use to (now that I am not the only person around with a tattoo).
I don’t quite understand the tattoo on the neck deal, but I guess that is how it goes.
There is also at least three shows on TV now about tattoos.