The Wednesday Guest Mock: Stop the Fatscrimination!

2009 December 9
by mockers


Yet again, Jeff and I ain’t got shit.  Thank God for Skully:

Did you know that middle-aged white men are the last group that it’s OK to make fun of in present times? I really cannot help the fact that I am 45 and white. It has all been caused by nature. But nevertheless…let’s get down with the fatness shall we?

The extra 40 – 50 pounds of bouncing abdominal protuberance that I carry and proudly display in a “frozen-in-time waterfall, over my belt” motif is not caused by nature. It is caused by daily intake of TOO MUCH DAMN FOOD AND MALTED BEVERAGES. It is also caused by my job that requires me to SIT ON MY ASS for hours at a time. It is also caused by my hobbies which include EATING ALOT WHILE DRINKING BEER AND SITTING ON MY ASS FOR HOURS AT A TIME!!

I have packed on the extra shirt stretching volume by eating 8 ounces of Kraft extra-sharp cheddar every day as a mid-morning snack for weeks at a stretch. For lunch it’s the two and a half pound grease dripping foot-long meatball sub from the pizza shop next door or an uber-tupperware container with 2 or 3 pounds of leftovers from home. Drinking tea all day with enough sugar to form a syrup, if I let it get cold, that would make Aunt Jemima jealous also adds to the mix.

Then it’s off to home after a long day of posterior posed caloric intake for refreshment and sustenance. Before putting my keys away I waddle to the basement fridge for some manner of chilled malt beverage. None of that light watery crap mind you, no sir. Porter, Dark, Stout, Bock, all words that make my mouth water in anticipation. Then it’s off to the upstairs fridge and after I catch my breath from hauling my fat ass up the stairs I’ll check for a quick pre-dinner snack.

Oh look, it’s half a smoked pork tenderloin and a couple ounces of brie! That will go great with my 1 liter mug of beer and will tide me over while I cook dinner! …and have a couple more beers…

Now that it is 8PM and dinner is ready I’ll open an exquisite Bennegas, Sangeovese (asskick red wine) and have at the 2 pound plate of Spaghetti and 3 or 4 slices of garlic bread while watching my favorite shows on TV!

10 o’clock, it’s off to bed. I do have to get my rest you know, I know that putting on my shoes in the morning will be a chore and I’ll need all of my strength.

Now to all my fellow fatties out there, I realize that I am the only one who got fat by the aforementioned methods. The rest of you have obviously been cursed with very large skeletal structures or some naturally occurring affliction that makes Twinkies, donuts and meat products with the word “tallow” in the ingredients leap into your mouth and violently claw their way into your guts, hips, thighs and spacious asses. There should be a law against mocking these poor unfortunates.

So from the end of this Mock onward we will vow to only pick on middle aged white men, and maybe the odd retard now and again. But, WE WILL NOT SPEAK OF FATTIES!

8 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 December 9
    WB in OH permalink

    Your brutal honesty is uplifting and the fact that you want to defend the rest of us fatties who can’t do anything about our condition because of bad genetics is admirable. God Bless you Mr. Skully.

  2. 2009 December 9

    That post made me prematurely hungry for lunch.

  3. 2009 December 9
    Limey permalink

    Actually mine is caused by a glandular condition that can only be controlled by cases of beer, 2lb steaks and Tastykakes. But most fat people actually *are* sedentary, overeating bastards.

  4. 2009 December 9
    Leo permalink

    I’m hungry.

  5. 2009 December 9
    zazu permalink

    I’m gonna go with thyroid. It must be my thyroid.

  6. 2009 December 10
    In Agony, GA permalink

    Age. You know your metabolism slows with age…

  7. 2009 December 10
    In Agony, GA permalink

    Oh and those women in that photo have the tiniest feet!

  8. 2009 December 11
    clintcurtis permalink

    2 pounds of spaghetti and 3 or 4 slices of garlic bread???? Sir, I admire your self control on the garlic bread! If it were me, half the loaf would be gon!
    Loved the pictures of the women. The one on the far right reminds me of my ex-wife who ironically is dealing with both a thyroid condition AND a methamphetamnine addiction. (I swear it’s true!)

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