There’s One In Every Office

2009 July 16
tags: ,
by mockers

coworkerFat woman who smells like Teaberry gum:  Good morning!

You:  How’s it going?

Fat woman who smells like Teaberry gum:  Well, we spent yesterday evening in the emergency room again.  Six hours.  Jim’s glotus flared-up, you know, and he was in a great deal of pain.  But they can’t do anything for him.  We know it’s glotus, but the doctors say they can’t find anything wrong with him.  He’s been through every test known to man, and they all come back negative.  But that’s glotus for you!  So that makes two Wednesdays in a row I spent in the emergency room.  I guess Wednesday is my hospital night?  Hahaha!  Last week my husband’s father slipped on a pack of wieners and shattered his hip, his entire pelvis turned to dust.  They had to go in, vacuum it out, and put in a new one.  Stainless steel, you know.  He has to go to physical therapy every day of the week now, and walks like he’s got a boiled egg up his butt.  Hahaha!  Jim was taking him to therapy until his flare-up, so now our daughter is doing it.  But she doesn’t like hospitals and medical places.  She used to shed her skin as a child, you know, and it still freaks her out.  They never could figure out what caused it, but every spring she’d molt like a snake.  It was the weirdest thing.  I still have a few of her skins, folded and stored in a cedar chest.  I tried to show them to her once, and she started crying and ran from the room.  The molting stopped after she went through puberty though, and we never figured it out.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?  She was also a projectile-vomiter as a child.  Boy, she could get some distance on it!  One time we were on vacation, and took in a ballgame at Dodger Stadium.  Jim loves baseball, you know, and dreams of visiting every park in the country.  But he’s only been to about half of them so far, because of his inverted sternum.  Can’t travel well.  Anyway, we had really good seats at Dodger Stadium, on the third base side.  Lisa, our daughter, ate some kind of strange white sausage, and started feeling sick.  And the next thing we know, without warning, she’s barfed all the way to the on-deck circle!  It’s true.  It went rocketing over the heads of the people in front of us, through the backstop netting, out onto the playing field.  It was amazing.  They had to stop the game for about fifteen minutes, so they could Zamboni up the puke.  Lisa was so mortified all her skin instantly came off her feet — new skin just weeks old!  But she’s doing better now, all that stuff’s behind her.  Still doesn’t like hospitals, though.  Me?  I don’t mind them, they’re just a part of life, I say.  I spent two full weeks in one last year, when my bladder dropped and was hanging halfway out of my vagina.  It took them almost two weeks to get it back to its proper position, and now I can hold a pee for hours!

You:  Yeah well, I guess I’d better get to it.

Fat woman who smells like Teaberry gum:  Oh god, me too.  Nice chatting, though!

11 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 July 16
    Knucklehead permalink

    I, unfortunately, have an AUNT like that. Recently she told me that her daughter (a freak in her own right) has cancer, the doctors just can’t find it. WTF?

  2. 2009 July 16

    how can you not find cancer?

  3. 2009 July 16

    Yep, I got one in my office too. Also a woman of, err, portly physique. Everything out of her mouth revolves around her immediate family, none of whom we know.
    And as she goes through the long, drawn out tedious dialogue, she starts every freaking sentence with “So he says”… “So she says”… “So he goes”…”So I said”

    Really makes me cringe and want to blow my brains out

  4. 2009 July 16

    We have a neighbor that’s like this. It’s gotten so bad that I peek out the windows before going to get the mail or whatever, just to make sure she isn’t outside. If she’s outside when you go out she’ll attack. She’s followed me to the front door before, yacking the whole way. I feigned diarrhea to get away.

  5. 2009 July 16
    MonsterQuads permalink

    I work with someone like this. Except she doesn’t smell like teaberry gum. She smells like old-house-cat-stink belly-button-lint-toe-jam funk. Le nastay.

  6. 2009 July 16

    Jason: I completely misread your comment and thought that you pee out the window before going out to make sure she isn’t outside. The more I think of it, maybe you should try that.

  7. 2009 July 16

    Ya know, I tried peeing out a window to avoid a neighbor once, it was one of those crank-out windows, ya know, the kind with 3 panes on each side and a handle in the middle to lock each one and the little hand cranks at the bottom, ya know, you can also find them in single side 4 pane types or lots of other variations, ya know, but I’d imagine you would want to take the screen out first to avoid splash-back and that sort of thing, ya know, well anyway, ya know, I cranked the window out, whipped it out and let it go, ya know, and my neighbor saw me so that just ruined the plan to avoid them, ya know…

  8. 2009 July 16
    SeanInSac permalink

    We used to have a woman like that in our office. The sad thing was is she really did have a lot of problems, cancer, father died, son died in motorcycle accident a year later. Problem was she would trap you for 30 minutes listing her many problem, I had to start sneaking through the truck entrance. She was on all kinds on meds and kept getting crazier and more erratic. Boss man finally suspected that she was on more than prescription drugs and made her go take a drug test. She quit immediately after.

  9. 2009 July 17

    What do have against teaberry gum?

  10. 2009 July 17

    Is teabeery gum that annoying? Sad her family is full of ailments and conditions that can’t be properly diagnosed. She resembles someone I dated years ago. Her name was Mary Ebber and she chewed teaberry gum, nice girl, never could remember why we broke up.

  11. 2009 July 19
    Nezrite permalink

    *too fat to comment*

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