What I Wrote Instead of Today’s Mockable

I was trying to finish today’s mockable and then I had to stop and write this email about snow removal.  It’s dangerous, because it has to do with my real job but I couldn’t resist because of how, well, mockable it ended up sounding.  And if you’re the type that enjoys bitching about the snow removal services you get in exchange for your tax dollar, I invite you to step to the plate and try your hand at it…oh, and on behalf of all the people who spent Christmas behind the wheel of a snowplow just so you could cart your fat ass to gramma’s house, eat too much and then and open up packages filled with gimmicky exercise equipment you’ll never use – go fuck yourself.

Dear Person Who is Important Who Gets to Yell at Me:

I appreciate your bringing the issues to my attention and I am aware of those complaints. They were referenced briefly in my original email.  One employee was “educated” on his interaction with the public during snow events and XXXXXXX was made aware that XXXX Street is to be considered a priority.

However, I believe that there is always going to be a level of frustration in this area because of a combination of the slope of the hill, our snow storage options and the current priority system of the snow removal process. The first objective is to make sure that emergency response vehicles have a clear path to as many addresses as possible in case of emergency. The second objective is to make primary thoroughfares accessible and safe for travel. The third objective is to clear secondary thoroughfares and finally – tertiary streets and alleys. Parking areas and private access lanes are usually of the lowest priority.

To further complicate matters, I generally believe that it is a waste of fuel and time to attempt to plow uphill. In the case of XXXX Street, we have no place to store the snow if we were to push it uphill anyway. So we push the snow downhill in order to clear access for objectives 1-4. Then all of that snow waits at the bottom of the hill to get pushed onto the city’s property and then melt into the river (then come spring we will have to reseed Mr. XXXXXXXX’s property because the salt in the snow kills his grass). Finally, I do not believe that it is in our best interest to begin pushing snow until the pretreatment has been allowed to have the maximum effect possible. The pretreatment is essentially a salt brine that is applied when icy conditions are imminent. The pretreatment is also the reason that the streets are dry at the moment rather than covered with a thin layer of compacted snow. If you begin pushing snow before the pretreatment is allowed to work, you’re simply plowing the pretreatment off the road, wasting money and making it harder for motorists in the long run.

I have searched the entire Code of Ordinances and I can find no law that says it is illegal to park on XXXX St for more than 1 day. I have one where a snow emergency can be declared and the street cleared (no such emergency was declared) and I find a law addressing the parking as marked on the south side of the street, otherwise I find no such law. We will, however, work to provide a more polite response when the XXXX is asked to address similar issues.

This is most certainly an inconvenience to the businesses at the end of XXXX Street, but I do not see any way that it can be avoided. I am certainly open to suggestion – but the way I see it, we simply have to take care of the area faster and minimize the amount of time that the snow sits and make sure that we clear access for parking as soon as we can. We also have to provide better customer service when we do it. These are things that I have made clear to XXXXXXX and we will, as always, endeavor to improve. However, overall I am proud of the job that the guys did and I am grateful that they are there to do it.

I welcome the discussion at the subcommittee and Board level and we will certainly perform as instructed. I look forward to your thoughts.

Regards,

A Guy Who’s Only Been Doing This for 10 Years

Dear God someone please get me out of here…