Why I haven’t been Writing Lately

So I’ve got this job…it’s not what I want to do for a living but it is a good job in an honorable profession that pays better than most. I am not rich, important or influential by any means, but occasionally the media cares about what I do.  Usually it’s just the local and regional people, but my ugly face has been associated with minor national news more than once.

So I’ve got this website.  It is what I want to do for a living.  Not necessarily the website itself, but any conduit that would accommodate an overwhelming desire to create and share sophomoric  stuff that makes people laugh…inappropriate stuff like The Tattoo Review Board and a graphic story about pooping. I wrote a book, made a record with some guys I know, co-wrote a handful of screenplays, made some cartoons and wrote a few short stories.  Of course, the world is full of assholes like me who think they’re clever (to paraphrase Jeff Kay) and no one is willing to pay me to create these things.  Regardless, I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.  Citizen Kane it ain’t, but it makes me happy.

When one combines this knowledge with the fact that I somehow convinced a pretty girl to procreate with me on two separate occasions, thereby requiring me to make a decent living – one can see how I might become just selfish enough to keep writing and submitting queries, but smart enough to keep my day job and make a conscious effort to keep people from realizing that the public figure and the writer are the same guy.  If this were to happen it would be very costly for me and people who expect me to give them money on a regular basis.  It is usually pretty easy to keep the two worlds from colliding because nobody gives a crap about either of my alter egos…but every so often I get a close call that scares me into hiding…this is what’s had me spooked recently.

Someone who I really, really like and respect (who knows about both of my lives) told me that we needed to stop being friends because we are hopelessly incompatible (i.e., we make each other insane).  I reluctantly agreed and we parted ways.  It was difficult and unfortunate because despite constantly getting on one another’s nerves, we did work really well together. For reasons unknown, this person shared mockable with friends and they somehow they concluded amongst themselves that almost all of the people associated with this site (writers, commenters, well-wishers, etc.) were actually me posing as other people (“after all, metten, you do have a huge chip on your shoulder and are a bit of an egotist…”) and decided to don fake names and take me down a peg or two.

If you are a writer or commenter, or if you’ve been visiting Mockable or thewvsr.com for a little while – you know that this is not possible.  If you don’t know…and care for some reason…I am sure I can arrange for your to meet Lakr and I both sometime.   Anyway, after accusing me of being a self-promoting fraud, they decided to attack the content.  They went on to chastise “me” for being a chauvinist because I wrote about a filthy dream that “Lakr” had, starring Scatman Crothers.  No way I could have thought that shit up…anyway, Lakr’s response was pretty awesome: “Hey Clare (“sounds like a fat girl’s name” -John Bender), This was an interpretation of A DREAM…Jesus Christ.  If you want to get all upset about my subconscious issues from 12 years ago, burn your bra & smoke the ashes, then go for it. Sincerely- lakrfool  PS- If it will make you feel better, wash your pussy & I will eat you out.”

I have no delusions that I will be able to keep this up forever.  Someday things are going to go too far.  Someday I am going to get busted.  At this point I feel it is necessary to quote Abe Froman, “A: You can never go too far. B: If I’m gonna get busted, it is not gonna be by a guy like *that*.”

Anyway, I felt that you guys needed an explanation…and that you would probably want to know that you guys only exist in my head.  So you should probably stop going to work and stuff…there’s really no point.