Yes…Words Rhyme. Please Stop Yelling

Now, I have no quarrel with the poppy, non-threatening early 90s rap trio known as Fu Schnickens…but I do wish that we, as a society, would stop screaming out words just because they rhyme.  The mental progression that brought me to this wish goes like this: I was talking to our cat. He’s a pretty good guy that goes by the name of Tofu. Like a lot of mockable assholes, I pet him and cycle through a bunch of nicknames while using a voice that illustrates exactly how little shame and dignity I have onboard at that particular moment. I called him “Tofutti” as he rubbed his face on me and arched his butt in the air. We were near the end of the petting session, that part right before he bites me for no reason, when I called him “Fu Schnickens“. This made me think, “Oh yeah…Fu Schnickens…whatever happened to that poppy, non-threatening rap trio from the early 90s?”

This question prompted a nostalgic stroll down memory lane, complete with a visit to Fu Schnickens’ Wikipedia page (that refused to tell me what happened to them) and the playing of a few tracks for my poor unsuspecting wife. Unpredictably, Tofu did not care for Fu Schnickens. He ran away and hid. This would have been the end of this particular mental progression, except that YouTube decided to play the group’s big hit, 1993’s “What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock)”.

This track took advantage of Shaquille O’Neal’s popularity to propel Fu Schnickens into the mainstream and made BMG Records a bunch of money. The beat is quality, and there’s no doubt that everyone involved (except O’Neill) is a talented MC. For me, the problem is the hook. If you really think about it, “What’s up Doc (can we rock)” is a really weird thing to yell. I know they’re making use of the famous Bugs Bunny line…but still…the idea of approaching a person who has earned a doctorate of some kind from an accredited, degree-granting institution and proceeding to request their permission to “rock” strikes me as odd.

Also, I watched the video. There’s basketball, a great deal of posing and flexing for the camera, and early-90s rapping Brooklynites. Nobody is rocking. So…I guess no PhD was able to give them permission to rock…so they just kept asking at an elevated volume whilst gyrating rhythmically. I think it would be a much better video if the whole group quietly sat at a table playing cards or something, just waiting for a young messenger boy in a newsy cap to bolt into the room and excitedly hand them all a prescription that officially gives them permission to rock. But no, no one actually wants to rock. They are simply yelling this phrase because it rhymes and the rhyme might be catchy enough to sell some records. So that’s what’s up, Doc.

Once I had given up on the unfinished and unsatisfying quest of learning the fate of Fu Schnickens, my asshole brain jumped to my #1 least favorite thing that people yell for no reason just because the words rhyme – The dreaded University of Kansas fan screaming, “ROCK, CHALK, JAYHAWK!!!” I lived in Kansas City for many years and I genuinely love the place, but it’s full of Kansas fans. I have asked many of them why they continually scream this nonsense to no one in particular during a sporting event.

They always say one of two things: they either give me an infuriating, “I dunno. It’s just something we scream.” Or they bust out the story of Chemistry professor E.H.S. Bailey’s 1886 quest to create a rousing yell to help motivate University of Kansas sports teams. They started out with, “Rah, Rah, Jayhawk, Go KU”, which is silly and meaningless, but so is college sports…so yeah…go, or whatever.

But then, something extraordinarily stupid happened. The two “rahs” were replaced by “Rock Chalk” which, I guess is a transposition of chalk rock, a type of limestone, that exists in the Cretaceous-age bedrocks of central and western parts of Kansas. In fact, The University itself is located on top of Mount Oread, a ridge of flinty Carboniferous limestone.

Can you imagine thinking to yourself, “I really want our team to win. I want to help motivate them somehow to give them the strength to play harder. I know…I will yell some encouraging words! I shall cup my hands around my mouth and bellow the greatest words of encouragement that I can possibly conjure at the highest possible volume. What should those words be? What precise selection of words will renew the strength and energy of my university-mates and fill them with athletic prowess? I know! I will yell a transposition of the general geological makeup of this geographical area! Yes! I will scream, ‘STONE LIME, ALL THE TIME!!!’ to no one in particular! That shall rouse the lads!”

Please stop it. I am asking you nicely. Or, to put my request in a form of communication you can understand, “I NEED YOU TO QUIT, YELLING NONSENSE BULLSHIT!!!”