You Don’t Know Where I’ve Been
I'm not your fuckin' sweety, lady
I am not your sweety baby honey. I am a complete stranger…Hi, yeah…nice to meet you too. Please take your hand off my shoulder. Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but please don’t call me sweety. Diet Pepsi, please. Yeah, it’s good that your brother drinks lots of Diet Pepsi. Huh? No. No. No, seriously, I don’t need to know the specials…this is fucking Applebee’s, there are no specials. Whoa, hey! Lady, why are you touching me? Please stop, seriously…Yeah, I could use a refill, but calling me baby is even worse.
In 2000 some guy named Putnam (okay fine…some Harvard professor) wrote a book called Bowling Alone and all the jagoffs at the grad school jizzed all over everything talking about how great it was. It’s been a while since I paid for the privilegeof reading it, but the gist of it was that we’d all rather spit on each other than have a conversation. Despite the fact that it’s more likely that Dr. Putnam simply doesn’t understand that MMORPG is generally a more pleasureable social experience than the damned Kiwanis- I get it and I will readily admit that the book does contain dozens of facts that are impossible to dispute. I would, however, appreciate the opportunity to eat at a restaurant in the south with Dr. Putnam and force him to explain the waitresses to me. If we all hate each other so damn much why does this lady keep touching me and using embarrassing terms of endearment to get my attention. Lady, for all you know I murdered an innocent family before I showed up here for mozzarella sticks. Perhaps it would be best for all of us if you left off the “sweety”.
Okay, this one sucks…I just couldn’t get it rolling. I spent the better part of two hours watching MC Chris videos and now I’m out of time…We’ll try again tomorrow…In the meantime, I’ll just work the crowd like I did when I used to do warm-up for for “Malcolm and Eddie”. Tell me a little bit about yourself in the comments and I’ll give you a free personalized mocking (or petty namecalling in a worst-case scenario)…c’mon…it’ll be fun…
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I thought it was just a Southern white trash dining experience that brought this on or a trip to Hooters. FOR SHAME on these women! I bet they fake orgasms in bed too!! Applebee’s none the less!!
Sometimes short and to the point is a good thing. Ya know, like a southern waitress that just take your order without all the moronic conversation.
Flo knows…
I’m a 50 year old engineer living overseas. Mock that.
What kind of engineer? In Taiwan? That’s like the Taiwanese sending their people here to be fat and not get math.
Shit! Lack of sociability is mostly for the ivory set. While touring in the US I found Americans to be freakishly friendly and welcoming. And YES those southern folk are so damn hospitable is unsettling. So I dunno what this Putnam dude is talkin’ bout.
I give it a 6 out of 10. Slightly amusing, with a hint of oak and a warm nose. C’mon Metten, you’re better than that!
“Malcolm and Eddie” not “Seinfeld”. I’ll take 60% in a second. Seriously, what kind of engineer are you?