You Guys Aren’t Going to Believe This
That’s right, I was rejected by cancer. Can you believe that shit? I’m not even good enough for freakin’ cancer. Here’s the form rejection letter those assholes sent me:
Dear metten,
Thank you for submitting your lungs for our consideration. Unfortunately, they are not a good match for us here at Cancer, Inc. and we will not be able to invade your lungs and subsequently your entire body at this time.
I hope you excuse this form letter, but it is really only representative of our lack of time and not a lack of respect for your scar-riddled tissue. Please understand that there are many reasons why we must turn down potential victims. We look for material that immediately grabs our attentions and emotions, and that we believe will do well in the current terminal disease market. But sometimes we even pass on desirable and incredibly warm and fleshy, marketable organs simply because it is out of our realm of expertise and would be better represented by another disease with different taste or experience.
Thank you again for sharing your submission with us and we wish you the best of luck in your search for the right agen…I mean terminal illness.
Sincerely,
Cancer
Can youu believe those bitches? They don’t even have the common decency to sit down and write me a proper letter. I’m taking my business down the hall to sarcoidosis or some other generic granuloma. I’ll show them whose lymphnodes aren’t good enough!
Seriously though – thanks for all your support.
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Fuck’em, you deserve better!
I think it’s just afraid you’ll kick the everlovin’ shit out of it.
Good news though. You can focus your mocking elsewhere now!
Check down the hall in less popular diseases, such as tuberculosis and such-perhaps they have an opening.
Seriously-awesome news, very happy for you.
I hear H1N1 is hiring, although it’s usually only temporary.
Sometimes it does work out and you’ll have it to ’til the day you die. Talk about security!
I hear cancer is overrated.
Seriously, good for ya, Metten. Prolly your corn-fed midwest diet helps out a lot. I am fully expecting any day now some kind of asscancerlifechanging diagnosis for all my bad food choices. My great grandparents ate eggs, bacon, white toast and fried potatoes every day and lived to be 96. What the fuck happened to our food?
WOOOHOOO!!
🙂 Great news, you still have a chance for cancer of the dick.
AWG – I’ll bet your great grandparents didn’t sit on their airconditioned ass playing Xbox all day, that could be the reason.
Good stuff, in more ways than one.
Good point, Limey..but they did burn their own garbage and stood at the barrel inhaling it.
awwwright! nice going! now i’m need to google “sarcoidosis”
Jackass cancer bitches! Whadda they know anyhow??
(yay!)
Man, that is great news, Metten!
Good on ya, mate! But I do have a box of asbestos I can send ya. Not only can you get the Big C but you may be eligible for a large cash award. Win-Win.
Seriously…glad to hear it.
Cancer is now just a sign in the Zodiac. I always wondered how that happened.
Glad to hear that you are cancer free. Have a smoke while you are at it. Mock on…