Your Kid Sucks At Everything
- Carter! Pay Attention!! Carter!!!
“I absolutely know that Morgan is wonderful at gymnastics, but I don’t care what those people say. I’m not taking her to that place…wait a second…PAY ATTENTION CARTER!! CARTER!!! PAY ATTENTION!!! I’m not taking her to that place four days a week. I mean, she’s going to be burnt out at six years old. That would be a shame. She’s just too good. Oooh, look at that lady. I wish I was ‘cute pregnant’ like that. I was uuuugly pregnant…CARTER!!! STOP CHEWING ON YOUR GLOVE AND PAY ATTENTION!!! ALRIGHT, GOOD THROW CARTER!!! I mean I was a total bitch to Jeff and I…CARTER, IT’S YOUR TURN TO BAT!! CARTER YOU NEED TO RUN INTO THE DUGOUT!!! I was a total bitch to Jeff the whole time and my tits got huge. What? Not me. I couldn’t bear to have those things back again. HEY MORGAN, COME OVER HERE AND DO A HANDSTAND FOR THESE LADIES!! CARTER PAY ATTENTION!!! I SAID A HANDSTAND MORGAN, THAT WAS A CARTWHEEL!! It took me forever to get everything back the way that it was after I had Morgan. I did that Weight Watchers online thing and I was hungry…NICE HIT CARTER!!! NOW RUN BABY!! NO CARTER THE OTHER WAY!!! I was hungry all the damn time. Then I did that P90X thing. Everyone’s doing that…CARTER! PAY ATTENTION!!! IT’S YOUR TURN TO GO BACK OUT TO THIRD BASE!! CARTER!!! Everyone’s doing that P90X thing. Oh my God that’s hard. I can only do like five push ups…CARTER! PAY ATTENTION!! MORGAN!!! GET BACK OVER HERE!! GREAT THROW CARTER!!!”
There’s one of these at every youth sporting event. If you look around and can’t find them, then shut the fuck up…we can all hear every word whether we want to or not. I came here so that my kid could learn how to play soccer/baseball/etc., not to hear about your cracks and crevices. Please stop talking about your swollen breasts and recent colonoscopy from the bleachers behind me. I don’t care if you or Jeff are alive or dead. Morgan doesn’t know a friggin’ handstand from a cartwheel and she wasn’t especially talented at either.
It pains me to tell you this lady, but little Carter is super crappy at baseball. I mean he really sucks. We’ve all been sitting here for the last ten minutes watching him try to dribble one grounder back to the pitcher’s mound so that his turn to hit will finally be over. Carter doesn’t want to be here. We don’t want you here. And as long as we’re being candid, we’re kind of scared of Morgan. Turns out that in addition to having questionable gymnastic skills, she’s a really mean little girl.
I got your cartwheel right here
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This made my day! Spot on!
Excellent as usual…
“I put my 3-year old into these pageants and shave her legs to prove to the world that I’m a better mother than mine was to me, since she didn’t show the world how cute I could be with 5 pounds of makeup, 6 cans of AquaNet & $25,000 worth of rhinestones….”
Hahaha, I know several of these people and their brat ass kids.
What a terrible assault on the moms in suburbia just trying to help their little angels develop some self esteem. Pass me a juice box…
“If you look around and can’t find them, then shut the fuck up”
Poetry!
That’s ‘Morgyn,’ dumbass.
Heh. You captured this heinous subspecies of female horrifically perfectly. Yick.
These kinds of moms are one of th reasons I’m really really glad the Things like 1) band and 2) chess. Yes, they’re hopeless nerds, but at least there are no Princess mommies in that kind of crowd. Not that I’ve been exposed to, anyway.
This is hilarious! I always thought it was called “P90X” and just figured out I am wrong which is hilarious as well. Thanks for sharing this post! Great read!